atti

Sometimes I'm not sure what is going on around me. It's almost a series of puzzles and riddles that I have to constantly meditate on in order to move forward. After a while its taxing to say the least. At this point in my life, I feel like I"m making some real progress, but there is just that faint whisper in the back of my mind, trying with all its might to undermine whatever headway I've made thus far. A part of me feels like it may eventually prevail over the better half of my being. And that really scares me.

Each day feels like a blank slate, but not in a good way. Almost like there is a 50/50 chance that I'm going to fuck everything up and find myself back at the bottom of the rabbit hole. I've seen that place and honestly I don't want to visit that dank and dark place again.

You know that part of every game show when the contestant is offered the different options for prizes, but its still a mystery as to what is what? I feel like that person right now. Three blank doors, all the same with the equal chance of success and happiness. But I'm too afraid to even GUESS what door I should take, let alone make a move toward a single door.

I don't like living life in fear; in a constant state of perpetual uncertainty. It's not who I am. I may be a drinker, a loser, a lazy and unmotivated bum, but I know that I am not a coward. So why on Earth must a quake with fear at the opportunities that are lain before me.

These are the things that keep me up til 6am every night, until I feel myself passing out fro pure exhaustion.

Someone toss me a life preserver before I drown and all that I have struggled to save and keep safe in my life gets washed away with the tide.