atti

This christmas week has been very interesting and unique for me. I spent it alone; in a very small city where half of the population is college students who disembarked for home this week, thus leaving me here. In a building of a hundred people I was the only one around for Christmas. It was nice, yet I felt myself lacking something... family, friends, fellowship.. I do'nt know exactly, but there was some feeling that just wasn't there. I spent my christmas, eating frozen pizza and watching Law and Order all day because even though I did not return home for Christmas, God gave me those two things to make the day go by at least a little smoother.

People have slowly filed back here to town, to resume their mundane lives, but my life has been in neutral for many months now. There is no stop and go of traffic, just a coast, my car veers from left to right, almost out of control at times. It doesn't seem to phase me. I just am there for the ride, I know events are out of my control so I know that worrying about what is coming next is just futile. It will happen as it happens, no amount of burnt sacrifices or nights of worrying will change that. Come what may..

I was supposed to go on a date tonight with a old friend from High School, we went on a few dates in the distant past but I had to cancel with her because I couldnt' bring myself to do it. Not to sound pompous but we are two very similar people and we clicked. But I thought to myself as I soaked in the scalding hot shower, it wouldn't be fair to me or to her to invite her into my fucked up life right now, with everything going on. It wouldnt' be fair to break her heart at some inevitable point in the future. So I up and canceled on her today, something that I didn't do lightly, yet it happened and I am moving forward... to what I don't know.

The other night I went out for a pint and then decided that alcohol was not the theme for the evening so I got up. Needless to say I wanted to drift around town in my old run down car and see what life was out there. I found hardly any at all, but in the middle of the drive I realized that I was narrating what was happening internally. I'm sure you think thats a little fucked up, but I do it from time to time since I am a writer. I had a lot of good things that were cropping up in there but I had no means to write it all down. When I got home all of the sage phrases and thoughts magically disappeared and I retained nothing from my excursion. A waste of a night.

I still have six more days to myself before my two roommates return from home. I've thoroughly enjoyed staying by myself this holiday season. It was a drastic dynamic change after being in Canada with MK for my birthday. While the trip was indeed enjoyable, it is nice to be home by myself in the company of my own thoughts where I am not challenged or judged nor expected to meet some criteria or exceed preconceived notions. I can just be me. Nerdy Marcus in the confines of this tiny apartment, scratching out thoughts on pads of paper until the ink runs dry and my mind has reduced itself to no more than Jello. And now I think I have said my peace for the day, and so I go now to Applebees alone, with a gift card in hand and a stomach gnawing to receive its sustenance.