Well, the positivity has become sparse throughout the evening and has withered out. It has grown into the bowl feeding bottom frenzied animal that is depression. This creature knows no interest, no joy. Not by intent but by nature.
Can you truly enjoy yourself if there is no one to enjoy you. I do enjoy at the moment. I can laugh at small things. Take pleasure in objects, ideas, consumption and illusion. Sound is pleasurable, words are pleasure; but these by no means can mask the abyssal vagrance with the veracious appepitite that life... my life can mutate, mold and form into.
Should I fold inside and darken my skin suit to a deepspace degree. Should I grasp the coldness... and frost my insides. This isn't the route I want to take. I embrace the dark but no to the point where it's a lifestyle obsession or a style of life. Darkness can be happiness but so can light. They exist in unity. One is not relevant with out the other. I find myself dipping a little more into the dark lately though. I have learned to except my ugly. I don't fear it any more but it is hard to handle when it grows into a giant. I know what I have to do to take care of myself. To not let petty shit get to me. Before the last week or so I have been digging my own hole. Deeper and deeper until I stuck water. I disregarded intelligence, familiarity, intuition, commen sense. I got lost on a path I thought I crossed of the map before. It was dark but then came the rope. I climbed my way out for a while covering up the hole with leaves. Then forgetting the last couple of days that this hole was camaflouged and it would be simple to fall in again. I know where my salvation lies. I know what can bring my deliverance from this creature, this vaguness; this back alley underground dwelling mentality. I don't want to be the Chud. I know the blueprint for obtaining the best of both worlds. It's just....just that my will lacks the platinum strength. Brain cells are easy to get rid of, it's the forgetting and restructuring that is hard. This is not a pitty cry; this is just me letting things loose and clearing my crammed mental space. Please don't let any of this get you guys down. The last thing I want to do is get anyone down or affect anyone by this bantor. But please if you can cross your fingers for me and toss me a shovel so I can dig myself out in another direction.
Hah. I didn't want to make this long but my brain just goes off on tangents and I get impulses to write more.
This is me being real with all of you with how I feel when things are down.
For a happier time.. read the previous 2 journals.
I blame no one for this but myself.
Can you truly enjoy yourself if there is no one to enjoy you. I do enjoy at the moment. I can laugh at small things. Take pleasure in objects, ideas, consumption and illusion. Sound is pleasurable, words are pleasure; but these by no means can mask the abyssal vagrance with the veracious appepitite that life... my life can mutate, mold and form into.
Should I fold inside and darken my skin suit to a deepspace degree. Should I grasp the coldness... and frost my insides. This isn't the route I want to take. I embrace the dark but no to the point where it's a lifestyle obsession or a style of life. Darkness can be happiness but so can light. They exist in unity. One is not relevant with out the other. I find myself dipping a little more into the dark lately though. I have learned to except my ugly. I don't fear it any more but it is hard to handle when it grows into a giant. I know what I have to do to take care of myself. To not let petty shit get to me. Before the last week or so I have been digging my own hole. Deeper and deeper until I stuck water. I disregarded intelligence, familiarity, intuition, commen sense. I got lost on a path I thought I crossed of the map before. It was dark but then came the rope. I climbed my way out for a while covering up the hole with leaves. Then forgetting the last couple of days that this hole was camaflouged and it would be simple to fall in again. I know where my salvation lies. I know what can bring my deliverance from this creature, this vaguness; this back alley underground dwelling mentality. I don't want to be the Chud. I know the blueprint for obtaining the best of both worlds. It's just....just that my will lacks the platinum strength. Brain cells are easy to get rid of, it's the forgetting and restructuring that is hard. This is not a pitty cry; this is just me letting things loose and clearing my crammed mental space. Please don't let any of this get you guys down. The last thing I want to do is get anyone down or affect anyone by this bantor. But please if you can cross your fingers for me and toss me a shovel so I can dig myself out in another direction.
Hah. I didn't want to make this long but my brain just goes off on tangents and I get impulses to write more.
This is me being real with all of you with how I feel when things are down.
For a happier time.. read the previous 2 journals.
I blame no one for this but myself.
i am already down so don't worry you can't make me anymore down.
but thank you for the belated b-day wishes.