asrai

I have a very hard time letting go and not allowing things to consume me or my thoughts, even when I know they're not good for me. Until tonight I felt like if I let go, if I pushed memories aside, if I started to forget, it would be like it never was. That scared the hell out of me. When someone who is such an integral part of your very being is no longer a part of your every day life, its only thoughts and memories holding it all together.

But what I realized tonight was when it gets to the point that just hearing their name drives a nail to your heart... having to talk about their happiness and success in your absence... having to feel the hurt like its the first time all over again...
and I tried, I really tried to be happy for them. I tried to be supportive and I feel like I did everything I could, and yet nothing was reciprocated. Is it really worth it? To be this hurt, I know its my own fault. I know I'm too sensitive and I overreact. But at some point doesn't my happiness matter?
I don't know if letting go will make me happy, but nothing else has worked. And at this point, I would just settle for not crying about it, not worrying about it, not thinking about it.
Out of sight, out of mind... right?