ashes

I think Instead of updating this journal and my lj seperately I'm just going to double post..because I don't think anyone here goes there.

here's a long one..a couple weeks old...

6:35 am - will you ever know?
Rainwater slipped down the windows of the old house today. I drank my coffee and watched the young passersby with their umbrellas, running about in the rain and actually getting more wet than if they had walked. I was remembering the way he touched me last night. Tears running down our faces as we made love under the stars. It felt so surreal, to find love in the mind set that I had. I was not made for a love of my own. I hear the death watches in the walls of the old building, laughing at my masochism. Why was this all so happy and so sad at the same time? As if I was watching it all from a distance, jealous of my own fortune. Always hearing the credits running on my life, the ending song in the films of smiles. Everything was so purposely vague and it was finally driving her to madness of realization.

I want to feel everything in a single life and death.

Memorie buckled her worn shoes again and wandered out into the grassy fields...stepping in random puddles and dry spots in the grass that scratched her legs and left little beads of blood along her young skin. It made her think of easter morning, and those eggs that she dropped that were painted so carefully the night before. She looked up at the night sky and felt herself humbled once more by it's enormity....feeling so small. When I'm near you I feel like the world is the size of your thumbnail. My heart doesn't tell me much, only that I love you and I need this. I want to kiss those lips and know the truth. I want to be at that safe place that lets me be everything I am and ever desired to be. I just want to be yours and mine and the worlds. Help me grow. The love was like that pain that was the chaos of this world. So far from being over, so close to the beginning. The love was like those blue tears of ocean that weld up in each one of us as we died, ready to return to their birthplace. We would drown in the pain that is this world, the pain that is love, and the pain that is the beauty of love. The ocean of stars seemed to be moving faster tonight. Shooting across the sky in wars of beauty. Crying and dying and loving the simple pleasures of our simple selves, complicated for our once healthy egos. They watched us and laughed at our trials, and cried because they loved us still. Memorie spread out her arms in the cold, letting the wind of the ocean sky run it's fingers through her hair, touching her mind, her soul. She felt the tears on her lips, salty with granules of majick. They walked out onto the porch in the darkness, watching the black forrest, hearing the music faintly inside the warm house. Telling the secrets they were too afraid to tell themselves. The music was an echo of their hearts, feeling like that perfect space in the arms of that person that was made for you. she held her glass of wine in her sweaty child hands, pretending to look out at the night, when she was really watching him, and he was watching her. Even her writing was a reflection on her scattered mind. Where was that majick she held so well? Had it flown off finally, left with her innocence and a lingering belief in everything and nothingness. The belief that he would one day take her home, her real home. I was hoping this would be it, and not hoping at the same time. I want it to be that time, I want to be expectantly ready. She wanted to be that flame waving at her in mockery, panting a red passion that she possessed but was starving. It was starving. I want a new life, one where I'm really me, and that's ok. Light flashes red, and I feel you again. Somewhere far away. The light falls over your face, showing the shadows on your skin, showing your souls age. It reminds me of the church of my childhood, looking through those panels of stained glass at the world covered in red and blue. What those worlds would be like, fighting over what colors we used in our games. Red or Blue?