Okay, so sorry for that last crazy post. I totally blame pms.
That being said, I kinda want to vent. I know I should be a little old to have mommy issues. But here's the deal I've got going right now. Okay, I get that my grandparents on my mom's side both died suddenly and a year apart. This caused my mom to have some problems emotionally. I know that when I was 12, her brother killed himself because of an illness. That only added to the matter.
But I can't help but feel hurt in the back lash of all that. None of that was my fault and it really, really hurt me too. Two people loss that I never got a chance to know really and know I missed out and another that I felt was one of few family members that actually could understand me.
That set aside. What I don't get is how my mom could be all " music is my life and its kept me strong," after her divorce. What the fuck?
My reason for saying this is ever since I could understand what music was as a child its been a part of me. The first thing I ever told people I wanted to be when I grew up was a musician. But when I hit my teens, I started writting lyrics, trying to finally grab a hold of that drive, was I encouranged? No. I was told to put it away. It wasn't important. That basically my biggest drive and passion in life was to blame for my problems in other areas ( I have dyslexia. The end. It hits mostly in numbers. There for I tend to suck at math. I never got help for it. Being so, unless the teachers put in extra effort to help me, I usually failed.) instead of addressing the issues that were at hand.
Its all I ever wanted to do with my life and I had to put it away. Now at 21, I can't even write anything any more. I never really learned to play anything. I tried to teach myself, but this beat down along with my already lack of trust in myself and the fact that I never think I'm good enough in anything, it kept me from doing it.
I'm sorry if its mean. But I just want to scream at her "How dare you? How can you sit there and claim to think so highly of this and yet you stole it away from me?!" What am I now? A person with no drive. No ambition. It was my heart and my soul and now its dead in me.
I'm left feeling so empty because all I have are those old lyrics and other people's works in my head. I can't even express myself in the purest way I once knew how.
It had to be said. It seems childish. Like I'm stomping my foot and saying "Its not fair!" . But lets face it, my mom never was there for me when I needed her the most. I had to find substitues and lock things away in myself in her place.
I know I should forgive, but I can't. It still hurts too much. I hate to say it but most of my childhood and the rest of my life was very empty because of things that she didn't do. And even though she was always right there in front of me, I really feel like a lot of my life I didn't have a mother.
I hade two parents that were together until I was 19. One was always gone because of work. I understand that and am okay with that. One was gone by choice. That right there hurts so much more.
That being said, I kinda want to vent. I know I should be a little old to have mommy issues. But here's the deal I've got going right now. Okay, I get that my grandparents on my mom's side both died suddenly and a year apart. This caused my mom to have some problems emotionally. I know that when I was 12, her brother killed himself because of an illness. That only added to the matter.
But I can't help but feel hurt in the back lash of all that. None of that was my fault and it really, really hurt me too. Two people loss that I never got a chance to know really and know I missed out and another that I felt was one of few family members that actually could understand me.
That set aside. What I don't get is how my mom could be all " music is my life and its kept me strong," after her divorce. What the fuck?
My reason for saying this is ever since I could understand what music was as a child its been a part of me. The first thing I ever told people I wanted to be when I grew up was a musician. But when I hit my teens, I started writting lyrics, trying to finally grab a hold of that drive, was I encouranged? No. I was told to put it away. It wasn't important. That basically my biggest drive and passion in life was to blame for my problems in other areas ( I have dyslexia. The end. It hits mostly in numbers. There for I tend to suck at math. I never got help for it. Being so, unless the teachers put in extra effort to help me, I usually failed.) instead of addressing the issues that were at hand.
Its all I ever wanted to do with my life and I had to put it away. Now at 21, I can't even write anything any more. I never really learned to play anything. I tried to teach myself, but this beat down along with my already lack of trust in myself and the fact that I never think I'm good enough in anything, it kept me from doing it.
I'm sorry if its mean. But I just want to scream at her "How dare you? How can you sit there and claim to think so highly of this and yet you stole it away from me?!" What am I now? A person with no drive. No ambition. It was my heart and my soul and now its dead in me.
I'm left feeling so empty because all I have are those old lyrics and other people's works in my head. I can't even express myself in the purest way I once knew how.
It had to be said. It seems childish. Like I'm stomping my foot and saying "Its not fair!" . But lets face it, my mom never was there for me when I needed her the most. I had to find substitues and lock things away in myself in her place.
I know I should forgive, but I can't. It still hurts too much. I hate to say it but most of my childhood and the rest of my life was very empty because of things that she didn't do. And even though she was always right there in front of me, I really feel like a lot of my life I didn't have a mother.
I hade two parents that were together until I was 19. One was always gone because of work. I understand that and am okay with that. One was gone by choice. That right there hurts so much more.
How you been?