ash

I normally dont update my blog until the week is up, but several things are propelling me to do so.

First because I apparently "goofed". My wishlist isnt just for ME, it's for the opportunity to create new photosets, so I kind of realize how selfish it sounds to say "I made a wishlist for myself" since I've never really been into the whole wishlist thing anyways, I reserve that for gifts for my son ... who needs a lot more than I do. I've made an exception because I simply cannot create a set out of the blue, it costs money to make a set because of all the expenses, so if ppl can at least help with the cost of the wardrobe items and props, well then that's all I really need. Of course everyone could use the money .. but photos for me have never really been abt just "money" so much as it is abt creating something and physical/visual expression. I look at my dated sets and I feel like I no longer represent everything Im capable of on this site. In fact .. no one really knows who I *am* when they look at those photos. It's abt time I start to crank out half a dozen sets that represent each side of ASH. The good, the bad .. even the ugly.

Today I received a package in the mail. This is a serious rarity for me, so it was exciting to see my name printed across the slender padded envelope. A book? Felt like one. From ... my grandma? Hmmm. Funny it would be from her ... its not my birthday, or any other special occaision .. tho even still I cant remember when I last received an actual gift from someone in the mail. Anyways ..
I opened the package to find ... hundreds of photos? They were photos of me. From the time I was born and up until adulthood and the ever many different HORRIBLY ugly and homely stages in between. I chuckled at first, thinking "why on EARTH would my grandmother be sending me these? Doesnt she WANT them anymore?"

And with that thought came the devistating reality of the situation. She was sending them to me because she knew she wouldn't be alive the next time I flew down to florida. My hands shook so uncontrollably that I dropped the ziplock bag of photos and watched them scatter abt the floor.

My first instinct was to collapse in a pile of tears on top of them like a pathetic old ragdoll that has finally lost her "stuffing". I'm not entirely certain if I'm more angry or saddened by this situation. It feels much to me like she has reached a point in life where she is putting up her white surrender flag, ready to "throw in the towel" so to speak. I suppose at her age she has every right, of course. What do *I* know of the pain that comes along with growing so old that each day is almost like a fight for your life? But this isnt my grandmother ... she's so much more than that. This woman and her loving husband (my grandfather) had sacrificed so many years of their lives raising my sister and I, years that should have been spent enjoying each other and life in peace, not with the hassle of 2 little orphaned brats to cause them grief and suffering. Not so much my sister, the family favorite ... but me, the hellion. I cant ever possibly express to her how much her sacrifices meant to me, even if it wasnt anywhere near what one would consider a "normal" life.

Not that Ive ever been able to relate to this girl EVER in all my days on this earth, but oddly enough .. I just wanted to call my sister. I knew as Grandmas "favorite" and given their wonderful relationship that she would know what I was feeling. It's just not "time" yet to have no one left at all, it just ISNT. It feels so wrong and unjust. I want to shake my grandmother or slap her or jesus even BEG her to just *try* the chemo. I know that watching your soul mate slowly dwindle away to practically nothing, yr after yr, that seeing what he went through when he passed is traumatic enough to be terrified to go thru with it yourself. I mean .. *sigh*. I know that. I understand it completely and not at all, which makes no sense. It hurts to think that her life is not fullfilling enough to fight through this ... not for herself, not for her family .. not for anyone. It's hard to accept that no one she loves today is worth fighting for.

I've always asked her if she thought of us girls as her "daughters" and not just "granddaughters" because I had always equated her to being my "mother" and hoped that she had felt the same. Back then, she didnt, or she had said so anyways. It hurt to hear that at the time, but I know now that she had only said that because even after my mother giving us up, she didnt want us to hate our mother or even stop hoping she would "come around". She knew how important it was for girls to have their mother around. How little girls always believe their mother is the most beautiful woman on earth, want to dress up like mom and walk around in her shoes that are 10 sizes too big and things of that nature. My grandma felt guilty. She would even send us things in the mail from our "mother" on every holiday and occaision ... until we were old enough to realize that it was always *her* all along. Bless her heart for trying so hard not to break ours.

My grandmother said in the hospital recently that she wished that "Debbie" could be contacted abt her serious condition. MY sister and I both wondered WHY she would even ask this, knowing that our "Mom" wouldnt even attend her own fathers funeral, and it would be a cold day in HELL before she ever attended her mothers. My sister was brave enough to track her down to deliver the news as my grandmother had requested. Gram just wanted to say goodbye, thats all. But we were right, "Debbie" gave no reply and showed absolutely NO emotion what so ever. She did not ask my sister how she was. She did not ask what she had been doing all these yrs. She did not ask abt me.

And what have I been doing here in chicago all these yrs, away from my "family"? (Or rather, whats left of it.) Well not much, really. Nothing substantial. Nothing of interest. Nothing to make anyone proud. Just here to AVOID everyone and every thing, wasting away basically. I'm pissed that I just spent my grandmothers last few yrs away from her ... doing NOTHING. I could have done NOTHING by her side, at the very least. I dont want my grandmother to die thinking that she had failed because I cant succeed, I wanted her to remember me as someone who might have given her a hard time for most my life .. but turned out "ok" afterall. Theres no time to change her mind now, which has really caused me to re-examine my current situation and really THINK abt everything thats gone wrong and why.

I really need to be in florida now. I know that even if I do get there before her time, I wont want to leave, which is obviously an impossibility. I mean ... how do u just ... say goodbye and just leave?

I dont normally get this personal abt anything in my journal. But I guess thats what a JOURNAL is for. Getting thoughts out. I will probably change this very soon ... but I just needed it to be written.