When it rains ... it pours. And no .. Im not talking abt that Morton salt chick with the umbrella.
Lets first start off with the GOOD news ...
My son's actual bday was GREAT! Almost everything arrived in time! The roboraptor was a HUGE success .. for those of u who dont know, its the T-rex version of the robosapien. VERY fuckin high tech and cool ... the ferret's new favorite toy as well. I cant get him to stop playing with his new toys, he loves them ALL!
AND!!! THE NEXT BIG NEWS ...
THe fuckin sox won the world series!!!!!!!!
I fuckin SAID ... THE SOX WON THE FUCKIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!! OH jesus, this is amazing! I couldnt be more proud of my boys. They did it for Ash. They did it .. for Chicago. Because Chicago rules. And everyone who lives here is DAMN sexy.
Lets see them one more time ... for good luck ....
Now, for the bad Ash news ...
The asshole boss has struck again. Bastard. Apparently we cant start work now .. for ANOTHER 2 wks. For those of u who have followed along, this is the 3rd time he pushed back my start date. This makes 4 weeks since there has been any money coming into this house, and we are on our very last $100, with no break in sight. *sigh*
To make matters worse (yeah, even *I* didnt think they could get worse than not being able to pay rent/bills) apparently there is a hold on my drivers license, preventing me from getting another one. I guess there are tickets that I forgot to pay in FL, and the added late fees for the last 3 yrs has more than DOUBLED the cost ... and now, I have to pay over $240 to get mine.
My hubby has a similar issue with his .. but his is only $85.
The problem here is a fucked up one ... because in order to get our licenses ... we need to start work so we actually have money coming in! AND GET THIS!! WE CANT START WORK UNLESS WE GET OUR LICENSES!!!! So yeah .. we're fucked, man. We're between a rock and a hard place, and Im all out of clever ideas to save my ass.
*sigh*
Life can be pretty fuckin harsh sometimes. There are times when I feel like the strongest woman in all the land ... then there are times when I feel so very fragile ... as if one little flick of the finger would shatter me into thousand of tiny pieces. I *hate* when I feel like I cant take it anymore ... I hate it when I finally give in to my emotions and collapse into a pile of tears because I feel helpless to do anything. I want to be mighty woman all the time ... I want to be able to LAUGH in the face of stress and hardships.
But ... that's not life.
You can only laugh so much ... and one can only *handle* so much. But where is that point when you've had "enough"? Do we ever reach it?
The other day ... I lost it. Almost completely ... but not *quite*. There was still a little thread of hope ... that *maybe*, just MAYBE ... I could pull myself through this terrible catastrophy.
What makes this SO fucking HARD for me ... is that there IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!! I can fucking SEE IT!! The end of my financial burdens are RIGHT at my fucking FINGERTIPS .. but every time I start to get close to it, it moves further away, and Im forced down on my knees yet again, punched and kicked in the face brutally, and left lying in a pool of my own blood. Then I have to gather up enough strength and courage to get back up again, just to have it happen over and over ...
such is life. For me .. for YOU, for everyone.
But what is there left for us if there isnt HOPE? Its the only thing I have on my side. Faith ... that things WILL be better. SOON. Very soon. Jesus, if Ive made it through 24 YEARS of pain and suffering, I can make it through another 5 weeks, cant I?
5 weeks. What to do in 5 weeks ... well ...
I fancy myself an artist. I do oil paintings, mostly ... in all sorts of abstract ways. Right now ... I have 2 in progress ... my painting are alll I have right now. Im going to be working dilligently on my artwork and my sculptures, and I do hope that some of you are abstract art lovers and would like to contribute to the "5 more wks and Ash will be financially wonderful" fund. My 10x16's start off at just $50, so they're bargains. HELL, they cost more than that to MAKE, lol
I also have quite a few things to sell on ebay, but Ill post them here, too .. to see if any of you's want them. Ive got tons of shit ... I usually make my own clothes personalized in some way, so they ARE origionals.
The onyl things I cant sell are my sons things, but everything else here ... I will sell. Because I fucking HAVE TO. Its all abt survival, baby. I try not to get too attatched to my things ... it's just STUFF, right? I can always get more *stuff*
If anyone else has any ideas on how to make money fast ... plz pass them along. I cant donate plasma, I already tried.
q's
~can u recall a time when u felt like "giving up"? What happened ... and how did u pull through?
~Do u recognize "patterns" in your life? such as certain "issues" that happen over and over?
~Whats yuor fave type of art?
~How abt you post a photo of something you'd like to see me paint MY version of? It could be a photo of you or someone u know that wouldnt mind being painted, or it could just be a picture you enjoy.
(just because u post a pic, doesnt mean u have to buy the painting once its done
AND! There is NO garauntee I'll be able to paint my version of everything u guys post. If I dont feel it .. then I just dont feel it!)
Lets first start off with the GOOD news ...
My son's actual bday was GREAT! Almost everything arrived in time! The roboraptor was a HUGE success .. for those of u who dont know, its the T-rex version of the robosapien. VERY fuckin high tech and cool ... the ferret's new favorite toy as well. I cant get him to stop playing with his new toys, he loves them ALL!
AND!!! THE NEXT BIG NEWS ...
THe fuckin sox won the world series!!!!!!!!
I fuckin SAID ... THE SOX WON THE FUCKIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!! OH jesus, this is amazing! I couldnt be more proud of my boys. They did it for Ash. They did it .. for Chicago. Because Chicago rules. And everyone who lives here is DAMN sexy.
Lets see them one more time ... for good luck ....
Now, for the bad Ash news ...
The asshole boss has struck again. Bastard. Apparently we cant start work now .. for ANOTHER 2 wks. For those of u who have followed along, this is the 3rd time he pushed back my start date. This makes 4 weeks since there has been any money coming into this house, and we are on our very last $100, with no break in sight. *sigh*
To make matters worse (yeah, even *I* didnt think they could get worse than not being able to pay rent/bills) apparently there is a hold on my drivers license, preventing me from getting another one. I guess there are tickets that I forgot to pay in FL, and the added late fees for the last 3 yrs has more than DOUBLED the cost ... and now, I have to pay over $240 to get mine.
My hubby has a similar issue with his .. but his is only $85.
The problem here is a fucked up one ... because in order to get our licenses ... we need to start work so we actually have money coming in! AND GET THIS!! WE CANT START WORK UNLESS WE GET OUR LICENSES!!!! So yeah .. we're fucked, man. We're between a rock and a hard place, and Im all out of clever ideas to save my ass.
*sigh*
Life can be pretty fuckin harsh sometimes. There are times when I feel like the strongest woman in all the land ... then there are times when I feel so very fragile ... as if one little flick of the finger would shatter me into thousand of tiny pieces. I *hate* when I feel like I cant take it anymore ... I hate it when I finally give in to my emotions and collapse into a pile of tears because I feel helpless to do anything. I want to be mighty woman all the time ... I want to be able to LAUGH in the face of stress and hardships.
But ... that's not life.
You can only laugh so much ... and one can only *handle* so much. But where is that point when you've had "enough"? Do we ever reach it?
The other day ... I lost it. Almost completely ... but not *quite*. There was still a little thread of hope ... that *maybe*, just MAYBE ... I could pull myself through this terrible catastrophy.
What makes this SO fucking HARD for me ... is that there IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!! I can fucking SEE IT!! The end of my financial burdens are RIGHT at my fucking FINGERTIPS .. but every time I start to get close to it, it moves further away, and Im forced down on my knees yet again, punched and kicked in the face brutally, and left lying in a pool of my own blood. Then I have to gather up enough strength and courage to get back up again, just to have it happen over and over ...
such is life. For me .. for YOU, for everyone.
But what is there left for us if there isnt HOPE? Its the only thing I have on my side. Faith ... that things WILL be better. SOON. Very soon. Jesus, if Ive made it through 24 YEARS of pain and suffering, I can make it through another 5 weeks, cant I?
5 weeks. What to do in 5 weeks ... well ...
I fancy myself an artist. I do oil paintings, mostly ... in all sorts of abstract ways. Right now ... I have 2 in progress ... my painting are alll I have right now. Im going to be working dilligently on my artwork and my sculptures, and I do hope that some of you are abstract art lovers and would like to contribute to the "5 more wks and Ash will be financially wonderful" fund. My 10x16's start off at just $50, so they're bargains. HELL, they cost more than that to MAKE, lol
I also have quite a few things to sell on ebay, but Ill post them here, too .. to see if any of you's want them. Ive got tons of shit ... I usually make my own clothes personalized in some way, so they ARE origionals.
The onyl things I cant sell are my sons things, but everything else here ... I will sell. Because I fucking HAVE TO. Its all abt survival, baby. I try not to get too attatched to my things ... it's just STUFF, right? I can always get more *stuff*
If anyone else has any ideas on how to make money fast ... plz pass them along. I cant donate plasma, I already tried.
q's
~can u recall a time when u felt like "giving up"? What happened ... and how did u pull through?
~Do u recognize "patterns" in your life? such as certain "issues" that happen over and over?
~Whats yuor fave type of art?
~How abt you post a photo of something you'd like to see me paint MY version of? It could be a photo of you or someone u know that wouldnt mind being painted, or it could just be a picture you enjoy.
(just because u post a pic, doesnt mean u have to buy the painting once its done
AND! There is NO garauntee I'll be able to paint my version of everything u guys post. If I dont feel it .. then I just dont feel it!)
VIEW 25 of 49 COMMENTS
I've felt like giving up serveral times in my life, and each time something different pulled me out of it, the first time when I was 13, I looked into my eyes in the mirror and didn't see me, it's hard to explain, but, I saw everything I disliked, and I couldn't end it like that... then once I pulled through simply because I wanted to know what would happen next, it was pretty shitty time in my life, and I though, hell things can't get much worse, but let's see if they can, and thankfully they didn't
as for patterns, there are a few patterns that repeat, like relationships, I tend to sabotage myself in them before they ever really start by picking girls I know don't want real relationships at the point when I start dating them... and I've realized that the pattern of me being broke = me feeling depressed go hand in hand at times, also, I pull myself together for other people, but not for myself...
my two favorite types of art, are two that I totally suck at, musical expression, and any painting that is semi-lifelike, but with a surreal feeling to it, just slightly off of reality