cindy IM's to me...
"will you write me another story?
"about what?" I ask
"tell me about your photos. the ones with sun mirror in the background..."
damn.
the damn sun mirror. the one from my suicideboys set. how does she know about this stuff? she must be clairvoyant...
Part one - Sometimes nice guys finish last:
****************************************************************************************
prologue:
synchronicity - seemingly coincidental events or things that are actually meaningfully related.
For example... the sun mirror, tattoos, dangerous photography, stopping power, the colt building where I used to live, and pseudo sophisticates who I felt didn't know what they were messing with.
There was something I wrote once to someone a long time ago. I think it goes.... "Everytime I look in this mirror I will remember how we looked in it together, face to face, cheek to cheek, framed by the sun."
I wrote those words before I learned the full extent of the situation.
****************************************************************************************
it was early march of 2005 when Aria told me that she called him again.
At least she was honest about that. Apparently she couldn't stop thinking about him and for whatever reason, that day, she made her call. I had seen this movie before though. And at first I was resolved that there was no way she was going to put me through that again (for at least the 5th time). But still being in love with her made it awfully hard to keep my word to myself. She didn't make it easy for me to just give up either. She was telling me all the things I wanted to hear; that she was just talking to him, not going to see each other, she just needs a little time to figure things out, still loves me... la la la la. This went on until may 29th - I remember the day clearly - when she said she wanted out. Come to find later that part of the reason for that was that not just a day or two before they were getting it on in his car at the fisherman's parking lot at misquamicut. Even that day she text messaged me saying she really wanted to work things out.
But even while she was packing her things, she was also feeding me lines that she still loved me and still wanted to work things out, bla bla bla. She did move her things back to her apartment, but still spent almost all her free time at my place, at least the times she she didn't have a date.
One of those dates was June 3rd, the day before the grand opening of my new office downtown. She called me after work at about 10pm from the car. I could tell something was up and I asked her what she was doing. "just going for a drive" she says. Later I find out that the drive was to Mohegan to meet him for drinks, after which he took her into the woods by the powerlines - a little secluded spot he knew - and did her backwards, forwards and upside down on the hood of the car. Meanwhile, I'm at home sweating bullets trying to clear my head to be on spot for the grand opening in the morning. All night my body was literally shaking. Though I didn't know at the time what was going on, my body did. We were still telepathically connected at the time and I think my body was sensing very bad things in a very bad way. Plus the fact that her phone was turned off so when I would call to try and find some comfort, there was none. For now obvious reasons.
This continues on for several weeks. She comes back, then runs away, comes back, runs away; is nice to me one day, and a piss ant the next. I'm just trying to preserve an even keel and try to work through whatever I can to hang on to what I believed in, what I had worked so hard for. She was still telling me she wanted to be with me, but was lying to my face about the situation with david. In spite of my efforts to be nice to her and be straight with her I found evidence of the lies and manipulation one day and decided enough was enough.
And so, enter Tova.
Tova is a beautiful Italian 22 year old I met off of suicidegirls. She's intelligent, sophisticated beyond her years, sexy, and knew exactly what she wanted in life. And what Tova wanted most in life was to be an erotic model, and she was determined to start her journey by being a Suicide Girl. I had posted some pictures of a previous modeling shoot on suicidegirls, Tova had seen them, really liked my work, and asked if I would do a shoot for her. She was local - from Middletown - and so we struck up a conversation and became actually very good friends. And just for the record, I never - and I mean NEVER - messed around with Tova. I wanted to keep my work with her strictly pro. This was also the time that my band had just won the Advocate awards for Best Fusion, and I had personally won for Best Keyboardist. So on the one hand I'm torn between what to do about Aria, but on the other hand I'm finding some successes with other people and feeling my confidence grow.
So here I have Tova wanting to do a shoot, Aria jerking me around, me starting to make some new connections, my band powering up to be ready to fulfill a decade old dream of playing the Advocate Band Slam...
....and as if on cue a beautiful summer day arrives and the client appointments I had scheduled for the evening fell through. I'm now looking at an unexpected evening off, a gorgeous day, a rising feeling of confidence and strength, and enough of a pissed off undertone that I decide the right thing to do at that time is, of course, to strip on film for a new suicide boys set.
I do have a pro digital camera but most of my work at the time was done on a little snappy hand held digital that anyone can buy at Target. I had the camera along with me that day for some reason, I looked snazzy as heck, the lighting was perfect and so was my mood... so I start shooting. Took some shots of myself in the car while blasting down interstate 84 at 100mph listening to some excellent driving music. I liked the results so far so I kept going. Doing a self photographed set takes patience and planning so I had to think out my next moves. Parked the car, ran inside to grab a tripod before the light faded, and snapped a series of images of transitioning from driving the car to leaving the car, to being indoors. (when you are doing a photoset of this sort, transitions are very important. The transitions are what tell the story and I prefer to shoot a series that tells a good story).
Once I got inside my loft apartment at the colt building I started doing more of the serious undressing parts. It's hard to keep a mood going that comes through on film when you constantly have to run back to reset the camera timer for the next shot. I put on an Andrew Blake film on TV in the background to help keep the mood going during setup changes. I set the camera on a tripod and engaged the camera's timer mode, and started bouncing back and forth between roles of photographer and model. I think I had a little champagne to help things along. Never hurts with a little of the bubbly
Things were clicking and I was getting good results. The lighting was spectacular thanks in part to the mirrored roof of the sawtooth building next to the colt building that reflects sunlight UP into my loft window. It added a very surreal effect that could only be achieved at the colt. After a bit more of the champagne, the film on TV, and getting some good results on with the little snappy digital - not to mention my overall agita over the Aria situation - I was able to capture a good screw-you striptease performance that I knew Aria would eventually see. I was definitely sending a message; that message being.... "don't fuck with me, and don't take me for granted. I am loyal and patient but that loyalty and patience has limits. And you are pushing that limit big time. I am more powerful that you realize, and the natives will revolt"
Aria saw the set a few days after it had been posed on suicidegirls for the entire planet to see. She was away puppy sitting for her sister in Massachusets and she must have gone onto SG to poke around and saw the set. She posted a comment immediately saying something like.. "I guess when the cat is away the mice will play". At the time, she had no idea how much I actually was aware of what was going on behind my back, and so it's just more evidence of her manipulative-ness.
In large part though, I had hoped that Aria would see the picutres and think "damn.. my guy is hot. I should hang on to him". not so much. it was pretty clear that she was hurt by it... which was confirmed when I talked with her on the phone later that night. It was pretty clear that she didn't think the pictures were exactly for her. yes, it was a combination zinger and message that couldn't have been more perfectly placed if it was a surgical strike with a laser guided bomb. but it also was a request for attention from her. at least I didn't have to sleep with anyone to send my message. sleeping with someone in vengeance or for any reason while I thought I might still be in love with someone would have been a huge violation of my ethics. (not so for her it seemed). but I think it did contribute to the message that she was in jeopardy of me cutting her off at the knees, and I knew she didn't really want that to happen. I knew she was pushing my buttons; mostly because I let her get away with it, and because she knew I still wanted her. Keep in mind that while she had left to go be with him many times, she also left him to come back to me an equal number of times. He wasn't really ALL that, but again Aria thinks she's irresistible to men, adoration is her vice, and she loves to wrap men around her finger. But this time, I was demonstrating in my own sophisticated way that she was not QUITE all that. Shortly after, I got the rest of my tattoos.
I cut her a little more slack, but it came back to bite me. she used the rope I gave her to hang us both. I had nightmares for months over what came next. Nice guys do sometimes finish last. so I was forced to cut her off at the knees a few weeks later. But I did invite her to band slam to see my gang performing at the peak of our career. It did the trick, not to mention that I had all kinds of little hotties coming up to the stage after the show. Made her insanely jealous. Not more than 72 hours after the show she was asking to come back home. I insisted she dump him and I watched over her shoulder as she typed and sent the email doing so. So we gave it another go, but in the end it never came back. It had been killed dead that summer.
But my suicideboys set was a success, I received lots of positive feedback on it, and the subsequent shoots with Tova were some of my best work to date. Tova delivered at least 4 high quality sets for me and has since gone on to model for internet websites and magazines - it was her dream to do that after all. I'm pleased to have helped her fulfill that dream. Today, Tova and I are very good friends but she has left the modeling field. It got too slimy for her, she says.
But she loves my work and the way I treated her, and says she would model for me again anytime. Me? I was just grateful for her company.
"will you write me another story?
"about what?" I ask
"tell me about your photos. the ones with sun mirror in the background..."
damn.
the damn sun mirror. the one from my suicideboys set. how does she know about this stuff? she must be clairvoyant...
Part one - Sometimes nice guys finish last:
****************************************************************************************
prologue:
synchronicity - seemingly coincidental events or things that are actually meaningfully related.
For example... the sun mirror, tattoos, dangerous photography, stopping power, the colt building where I used to live, and pseudo sophisticates who I felt didn't know what they were messing with.
There was something I wrote once to someone a long time ago. I think it goes.... "Everytime I look in this mirror I will remember how we looked in it together, face to face, cheek to cheek, framed by the sun."
I wrote those words before I learned the full extent of the situation.
****************************************************************************************
it was early march of 2005 when Aria told me that she called him again.
At least she was honest about that. Apparently she couldn't stop thinking about him and for whatever reason, that day, she made her call. I had seen this movie before though. And at first I was resolved that there was no way she was going to put me through that again (for at least the 5th time). But still being in love with her made it awfully hard to keep my word to myself. She didn't make it easy for me to just give up either. She was telling me all the things I wanted to hear; that she was just talking to him, not going to see each other, she just needs a little time to figure things out, still loves me... la la la la. This went on until may 29th - I remember the day clearly - when she said she wanted out. Come to find later that part of the reason for that was that not just a day or two before they were getting it on in his car at the fisherman's parking lot at misquamicut. Even that day she text messaged me saying she really wanted to work things out.
But even while she was packing her things, she was also feeding me lines that she still loved me and still wanted to work things out, bla bla bla. She did move her things back to her apartment, but still spent almost all her free time at my place, at least the times she she didn't have a date.
One of those dates was June 3rd, the day before the grand opening of my new office downtown. She called me after work at about 10pm from the car. I could tell something was up and I asked her what she was doing. "just going for a drive" she says. Later I find out that the drive was to Mohegan to meet him for drinks, after which he took her into the woods by the powerlines - a little secluded spot he knew - and did her backwards, forwards and upside down on the hood of the car. Meanwhile, I'm at home sweating bullets trying to clear my head to be on spot for the grand opening in the morning. All night my body was literally shaking. Though I didn't know at the time what was going on, my body did. We were still telepathically connected at the time and I think my body was sensing very bad things in a very bad way. Plus the fact that her phone was turned off so when I would call to try and find some comfort, there was none. For now obvious reasons.
This continues on for several weeks. She comes back, then runs away, comes back, runs away; is nice to me one day, and a piss ant the next. I'm just trying to preserve an even keel and try to work through whatever I can to hang on to what I believed in, what I had worked so hard for. She was still telling me she wanted to be with me, but was lying to my face about the situation with david. In spite of my efforts to be nice to her and be straight with her I found evidence of the lies and manipulation one day and decided enough was enough.
And so, enter Tova.
Tova is a beautiful Italian 22 year old I met off of suicidegirls. She's intelligent, sophisticated beyond her years, sexy, and knew exactly what she wanted in life. And what Tova wanted most in life was to be an erotic model, and she was determined to start her journey by being a Suicide Girl. I had posted some pictures of a previous modeling shoot on suicidegirls, Tova had seen them, really liked my work, and asked if I would do a shoot for her. She was local - from Middletown - and so we struck up a conversation and became actually very good friends. And just for the record, I never - and I mean NEVER - messed around with Tova. I wanted to keep my work with her strictly pro. This was also the time that my band had just won the Advocate awards for Best Fusion, and I had personally won for Best Keyboardist. So on the one hand I'm torn between what to do about Aria, but on the other hand I'm finding some successes with other people and feeling my confidence grow.
So here I have Tova wanting to do a shoot, Aria jerking me around, me starting to make some new connections, my band powering up to be ready to fulfill a decade old dream of playing the Advocate Band Slam...
....and as if on cue a beautiful summer day arrives and the client appointments I had scheduled for the evening fell through. I'm now looking at an unexpected evening off, a gorgeous day, a rising feeling of confidence and strength, and enough of a pissed off undertone that I decide the right thing to do at that time is, of course, to strip on film for a new suicide boys set.
I do have a pro digital camera but most of my work at the time was done on a little snappy hand held digital that anyone can buy at Target. I had the camera along with me that day for some reason, I looked snazzy as heck, the lighting was perfect and so was my mood... so I start shooting. Took some shots of myself in the car while blasting down interstate 84 at 100mph listening to some excellent driving music. I liked the results so far so I kept going. Doing a self photographed set takes patience and planning so I had to think out my next moves. Parked the car, ran inside to grab a tripod before the light faded, and snapped a series of images of transitioning from driving the car to leaving the car, to being indoors. (when you are doing a photoset of this sort, transitions are very important. The transitions are what tell the story and I prefer to shoot a series that tells a good story).
Once I got inside my loft apartment at the colt building I started doing more of the serious undressing parts. It's hard to keep a mood going that comes through on film when you constantly have to run back to reset the camera timer for the next shot. I put on an Andrew Blake film on TV in the background to help keep the mood going during setup changes. I set the camera on a tripod and engaged the camera's timer mode, and started bouncing back and forth between roles of photographer and model. I think I had a little champagne to help things along. Never hurts with a little of the bubbly
Things were clicking and I was getting good results. The lighting was spectacular thanks in part to the mirrored roof of the sawtooth building next to the colt building that reflects sunlight UP into my loft window. It added a very surreal effect that could only be achieved at the colt. After a bit more of the champagne, the film on TV, and getting some good results on with the little snappy digital - not to mention my overall agita over the Aria situation - I was able to capture a good screw-you striptease performance that I knew Aria would eventually see. I was definitely sending a message; that message being.... "don't fuck with me, and don't take me for granted. I am loyal and patient but that loyalty and patience has limits. And you are pushing that limit big time. I am more powerful that you realize, and the natives will revolt"
Aria saw the set a few days after it had been posed on suicidegirls for the entire planet to see. She was away puppy sitting for her sister in Massachusets and she must have gone onto SG to poke around and saw the set. She posted a comment immediately saying something like.. "I guess when the cat is away the mice will play". At the time, she had no idea how much I actually was aware of what was going on behind my back, and so it's just more evidence of her manipulative-ness.
In large part though, I had hoped that Aria would see the picutres and think "damn.. my guy is hot. I should hang on to him". not so much. it was pretty clear that she was hurt by it... which was confirmed when I talked with her on the phone later that night. It was pretty clear that she didn't think the pictures were exactly for her. yes, it was a combination zinger and message that couldn't have been more perfectly placed if it was a surgical strike with a laser guided bomb. but it also was a request for attention from her. at least I didn't have to sleep with anyone to send my message. sleeping with someone in vengeance or for any reason while I thought I might still be in love with someone would have been a huge violation of my ethics. (not so for her it seemed). but I think it did contribute to the message that she was in jeopardy of me cutting her off at the knees, and I knew she didn't really want that to happen. I knew she was pushing my buttons; mostly because I let her get away with it, and because she knew I still wanted her. Keep in mind that while she had left to go be with him many times, she also left him to come back to me an equal number of times. He wasn't really ALL that, but again Aria thinks she's irresistible to men, adoration is her vice, and she loves to wrap men around her finger. But this time, I was demonstrating in my own sophisticated way that she was not QUITE all that. Shortly after, I got the rest of my tattoos.
I cut her a little more slack, but it came back to bite me. she used the rope I gave her to hang us both. I had nightmares for months over what came next. Nice guys do sometimes finish last. so I was forced to cut her off at the knees a few weeks later. But I did invite her to band slam to see my gang performing at the peak of our career. It did the trick, not to mention that I had all kinds of little hotties coming up to the stage after the show. Made her insanely jealous. Not more than 72 hours after the show she was asking to come back home. I insisted she dump him and I watched over her shoulder as she typed and sent the email doing so. So we gave it another go, but in the end it never came back. It had been killed dead that summer.
But my suicideboys set was a success, I received lots of positive feedback on it, and the subsequent shoots with Tova were some of my best work to date. Tova delivered at least 4 high quality sets for me and has since gone on to model for internet websites and magazines - it was her dream to do that after all. I'm pleased to have helped her fulfill that dream. Today, Tova and I are very good friends but she has left the modeling field. It got too slimy for her, she says.
But she loves my work and the way I treated her, and says she would model for me again anytime. Me? I was just grateful for her company.