artchick

stream of unconsciousness

the cards say I need courage. I'm a walking statement, a one-woman movement. courage for what? discipline maybe. time.

i could use courage to write. i'm afraid of writing. but who wants to hear that? I'm the current queen of too many eggs and no basket. all dressed up and scared to leave the house. I'm learning greek. i have tori amos' phone number and I'm afraid to call. one shot only and it's got to be perfect. I've learned to sew. Spending too much time at home. Not enough time at home. Not working enough. Not working enough. Indulging my creativity too much. Not indulging my creativity enough. I can see the future and I'm scared of what I see.

I'm scared of being crazy. But I know I'm not. As much as a person can who talks to things that aren't there. if all your friends talk to the things under their bed too, does that mean you're not crazy? I'm writing a comic book. I'm afraid to publish it. The only thing in the way is me. And money, but that's an excuse, there's always more of that, it falls from the rafters when I snap my fingers. I talked to a man last week who lives behind a crack house and works several jobs to pay rent. I work at home, he said I was a baller. I used to be, I guess. I used to fly my friends to see me. I used to throw money around, almost as much as I throw my love around. Half my life happens in my dreams, and I only remember half of that. I woke up yesterday and saw writing on the wall, but I couldn't read it. It wasn't even in english.

It's funny that my life is an elaborate non-fiction posing as fiction.