arroezze

I'm just one man. Can just one man do it all? Are words of encouragement enough? Is motivation to endure enough to hold the grief and sorrow of so many? Even my own?

I carry the brunt of the team, and the strain of staffing shortages. I work 14 hours a day, 6 days a week. Week after week. Because I can. I do it because I can. I hold the sorrows of those not capable. I hear their pain and suffering and worries and fears and imbue them with praise and compassion and glee, yet I criticize myself for my oen frustration and doubts and insecurities.

I find the balance in it all by inflicting myself with shame and ridicule to endure. The hypocrisy shames me as I cannot find the good and power and astonishment others see. The clouds of doubt are suffocating me.

I consol friends and colleagues and motivate them with words of affirmation and appreciation and gratitude. I thank them for their contributions and admiration of doing what they do. Then turn around and swallow my words with bitterness and disdain for their abilities to find joy in the company of family and children and friends for which I do not have many nor foster from my own hatred not yet overcome of those areas in my life which I have attempted to bury and burn.

I endure only in the face of adversity and stubbornness. Yet have nothing to show for it other than hours wasted and bills paid. I run from my own life in hopes that mending others will inspire me enough to face those mausoleums and crypts of my buried past and heartaches.

I am no man. I am a shell of pain and agony who is only one bad day away from becoming the henious creature I have tried to camouflage from myself. There are days I can feel the itch. The burn. The taste of the creature to rip out and have it's fun. Like a werewolf waiting for the moon to hit him just right.

I'm tired of fighting myself on so many fronts. I am both defender and attacker of my own soul and mortality and legacy. And its heavy. I just feels heavy in the face of my own abilities. I am tired. I am worn. I am depleted. I am spent.

However. I simply must carry on. I must find more strength within myself to carry these burdens. Simply because I have to. We do what we must. Because we have to. So I will.

I will continue on. I will smile. I will express glee. I will congratulate. I will empower. I will motivate. I will carry and endure their sorrows and worries and concerns and fears. Simply because I can, and must. On and on. For as long as I am here. So I ask. You. The reader of this message.

How can I help? How are you doing? What do you need?