Man. As if 2020 didn’t go slow enough 2021 sure made up for that! Holy cow!
Man looking back this year has been one of my best…. I know that may sound taboo, but it really was. From starting the year off hobbling from a leg injury to moving forward in some of the most prestigious position I’ve had so far in my life. Life is, good.
I must say though, this year tossed me some curve balls, but I really honed into one thing I had been pretty terrible about throughout my life, listening to my body and being ok with taking it slow. Getting back on my foot…. Was a good challenge. I really hit my recovery hard and spent a lot of time just listening to how my body felt and being ok with that. While of course I was ambitious to get back into the gym and rebuild my strength I slowed down, a lot. Most goals I had set for that quickly diminished as I had found it wasn’t as important to me at the time.
I instead chose to focus my attention on finishing school and progressing through my much-anticipated internship. Needless to say, by March that dream was shattered. I really hated my site, and it grew in me a great hatred for the job I loved and desired most. To see behind the doors of what my profession was supposed to compared to what I wanted it to be. I lost a lot of sleep beating my head against a wall, pushing against forces that didn’t are or have the same ambition or desire I wanted. It felt like the people I worked with were burnt out…. They didn’t have the desire to perform the work as it was meant to be. Mostly, I feel it was just a big corporate push for money compared to care. To capitalize on the disabled always felt horrible to me. Even further, to justify capitalizing and providing poor care because “they’ll be back” just pissed me right off. I eventually quit the site and began to pursue better things.
Once that terrible failure hit me, I did what I usually do, I distract myself in other things. Since I was struggling with the idea of my profession being a croc-pot I went back to the job I knew I could and that felt good. I worked, a lot. I picked up the extra shifts, worked and worked. I regained my ethic through that. I found purpose, compassion, and enjoyment. For a time. I eventually hit another wall there a few months in. I buried that anger inside and unknowingly projected it towards those around me. I sabotaged, or at least attempted to destroy so many people around me. I was angry and had a lot to work out with myself. Nothing does that more than being turned around and flipped inside out till all you must do is confess with yourself. But fortunately for me, I had one person to help me. Someone I didn’t expect…
In this part of the year, I found, love…. I didn’t look for it. I didn’t warrant it. I certainly didn’t beg. It just, showed up. She was amazing. She still very much is. I’m stubborn, thick headed, proud and above all profoundly independent. She was something I needed. She challenged me, stood her ground, and endured both my anguish and ridicule but lavished me in love anyway. There’s a quote by Socrates- Those that are hardest to love need it the most. She forced me to be wanted. While being alone was all find and dandy with me. She forced my hand to let someone in. she forced my hand to open my hatred and anger I had held for years. She took me in and held my anger and returned it to nothing but care, compassion, and desire. She made me feel wanted. She made me feel loved again. She still does, every single day.
While we are not truly together for very different reasons, we are both still very much in love with one another. We are still working some details out but the year with her was amazing and I learned so many lessons and am still learning them today. She truly helped me become better.
With those major obstacles out of the way I got back into fitness. Only, I never went back to a gym. I hit the resistance band train and fell in love with that too. Teaching myself to focus on a band routine compared to weights was difficult. I had to do a lot of research and practice a lot. Daily even. I eventually found a routine and worked off a lot of weight. I called them the “quarenpounds” between not being able to lift because of a broken leg and then eating a ton of food with no activity I got a bit chubby. That was my next goal to hit. Get back into a shape and form I liked. While I’m still not there, I’m working on that as I can. I’m also learning to be more mindful and moderate in my diet. I still eat ice cream, but I have shifted my eating and snacking in a different direction. I eat cleaner and workout a few times a week and that is very comfortable for me. I still have the passion for it, but I also am learning to not have to focus my attention on my physical needs and workout around that as I can. It was a bit stressful trying to bulk up all of 2019 and it was frustrating maintaining that. 2021 taught me to be ok with not being ok.
Finally, I learned to want to read for pleasure. I really don’t enjoy reading for pleasure. I forced myself to develop reading and need for more information. The goals for that initiated from work. Multiple complaints for managers saying I was difficult work and not receptive to health communication…… While my coworkers alongside me disagreed with their complaints I decided to show them their view on me was wrong. So, I grabbed every form of book I could around the topics of self-help. While I didn’t expect a lot, I was baffled by how much I knew but had forgotten. I started looking for perspective and ended looking at myself. I guess the goal was met because my supervisors are pleased with my improvement, and I have developed a thirst for more. More views, more insight, more need to know more about me. So here we are….
The end of the year has come and while I’d like to say it was a year, it really flew by so fast it feels as if it’s only been a couple months. I’m happy with what has happened. I’m happy with who I have become. And I’m excited to see what comes. I can’t say what will be around the corner, but I know this year has taught me some long-delayed lessons with a hard punch to the heart, and to the ego. I’m feeling better about my process for change, and I am appreciative for all those that helped me and assist me become better…. That is a difficult sentence for me to say. I never needed anyone. While now looking at myself I still don’t need anyone, but I want others to genuinely give me feedback. Not for validation or praise or respect, but for what they feel I can do better. What I can work towards. To help me build a better network of friends that I can rely on to be there for me when I need. That’s’ my next goal. To be better for those around me and accept feedback constructively.