Sitting here at 0327 and I can’t help but to find myself once again in a position of constant reflection. The night is a good time for that. In the dullness of the evening when nothing is there to distract you. I always enjoyed the late hours. While others may not feel the same, I enjoy entertaining the thoughts in my head. Part of that that resonates with me better than some, probably because I’ve taught myself how to filter those said thoughts. Not all are good, but not all bad either. The calmness of the world has a funny way to force you to look at yourself at some point. Distraction only works so long you know.
While I’ve been on a new adventure to educate myself more on my “bad habits” I’ve been rather pleased with the journey thus far.
Long ago I learned there are three parts to education. Learn, unlearn, and re-learn.
This is hitting home as I’ve been delving through material like a dark age scholar ambitiously seeking a discovery, only I’m not seeking a discovery to make myself famous, I’m just eager to rectify some personal qualms with myself…
While we may all “know” something, here as of late I’m finding myself in the second and third stages of the learning process. Unlearning things is a hard pill to swallow. So is the nature of science, sometimes what we know is old or inaccurate, so unlearning those facts we once knew into something new is a painfully hard pill to swallow on one’s pride. Without pain you cannot have growth, so here I am. Enduring pain and finding myself planting new seeds to become stronger roots for a better future.
A great big lesson I’m learning and tip toing into is the art of interpersonal relationships. In simple terms, learning to play well with others. That has never been a simple act for me. I kind of hold the “lone wolf, fuck the world” mentality. To be honest it worked for a long, long time. Isolating in my own little corner of the planet and making my way as the fly on the wall was a highly successful skill that brought me a lot of understanding of how people act, both with those they like and those they pretend to like. You can learn a lot just by listening and observing the people around you. A skill I still use to collect information on people and somewhat deviously use against people when they get caught in a lie. Not my finest moment but still a good skill to hold.
Here lately through the various Ted Talks, YouTube presentations, books and even intuitive and heartfelt conversations with friends and colleagues I’m finding so many of us hold similar interests. We’re more alike than we believe. That sentence was hard for me to write and possibly for some to read. We are not in fact, unique. As much as we want to believe. While we may hold some different interests and ideals, we are very similar.
Through this new adventure I feel it important to state that I am not truly a social person. Not that I have social anxiety, I just don’t enjoy enduring more gossip or complaining that necessary. Part of why I shut off form the world. Some people just piss me off….
While many of my more recent conversations have been uncomfortable. I’m learning to endure them simply because the other people are highly invested and interested to share their story. I suppose it’s the same for my boring blogs others read. I must also share the interest. It’s been difficult but interesting. To see the passion in other people’s eyes. To hear a complex view and debate that I may not enjoy, I do enjoy the spark they have for it. In these cases, I’ve developed some healthy relationships with those people. In turn, you share some genuine interest, listen, and provide constructive feedback you create something you may have not noticed before. That is the art I’ve been working on. Creating that bridge and providing timber rather than a lit match.
With these new relationships built I’ve oddly found myself in a weird leadership position at work. I have people from various departments asking my genuine input and listening to my provided solutions or recommendations. It’s EXTREMLY uncomfortable. While I do imagine myself in a leadership position, I do not find myself as the leader. I’m a loose cannon with sarcasm, cynicism, and an extremely low tolerance for bullshit. So, through this new leg I’ve found changing my tone, refreshing my verbiage, and providing short and simple feedback. With this, people seem to come to me more often and even people I would have never thought to see. It’s nice and I respect it but golly it’s odd. I must say though I’m happy. It feels nice to be trusted and respected. While I still get those trigger finger urges to sabotage and run back into a hole, I’m finding this is an important lesson to master. So, master we will.
Reading these books and listening to people like me but only more respected and holding conferences and large speeches has been, inspiring. I do not foresee myself being anywhere like them. But I like the idea they have more to offer and teach me. Even if my small community or circle find me in the same regard as I admire those individuals. I like that. To be valued.
As a closing statement to this somewhat jumbled ramble of various topics is I encourage you take a leap of faith to something new and uncomfortable. Be bold, be confident and speak up on that topic you so badly want to. Look at what you know, unlearn any bad habits and then proceed to re-learn any new information that can gained. Better yourself. Always strive to be better.