arricura

Warning: Personal Entry Ahead-

I'll be blunt.

I do not feel safe around men. Not in bars, not in grocery stores, not standing in line, not in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Somewhere in my life, strange men became a fearful irritant.

I don't know that this is especially unique to me - I think unfortunately, that most women probably feel that way - at least about men in bars. It's sad that pretty much any guy could come up and talk to me in a bar and I'd automatically assume he's a monkey.

Also what makes me afraid is that I'm pretty sure that I can't be mean enough to make them go away. I'm not mean. I can't be a raving bitch, even as hard as I try, dammit, I can't be enough of a bitch to scare them off. I don't want to have to learn to be.

It sounds like a lame excuse, but honestly, letting myself get chubby is possibly part of my protection mechanism. It's the only passive mechanism I really have, aside from trying self mutilation or something and I'm not that desperate. 'Fat girls don't get raped,' is somehow my subconcious rationale because I don't feel attractive this way. I know it's not right. In a way, it makes me feel safe, and in a way it doesn't. I think - if I'm not the vision of beauty from head to toe, they won't want me. I know rapists don't care - and I think that in some ways, my figure would probably makes the monkeys think I'm weak in spirit. That maybe I'm not 'used' to being hit on. That somehow I'll be more trusting because I will be so 'flattered' that 'someone is actually interested.' (I don't think those things, but it goes through my head that they might.)

Men are predators to me. (I should clairfy. STRAIGHT men.) I am honestly fearful of them.

Certainly, this is influenced from past events, and certainly, I've had occasions when I've felt this kind of discomfort/fear with women in sexually charged situations, but it's usually brought on by too much alcohol and my own naievety.

I find this fear is just... so much a part of who I am, and I am sad to think that I don't think I can ever change. I don't even become aware of why I behaved that way until days after. I hate it that I have to protect myself from every strange man I meet. I hate it that I ever question the motives of friends.

What brought this entry about? I went out on Fridayand couldn't help but feel the fear, regardless of this big city of Chicago and the anxiety it sometimes brings me (though thankfully less and less with each visit). I went to an adult store last Monday with dejajeva , and as she made her decision, I became more and more uncomfortable with the men in the store, and even one of the men working there.

Perhaps this is much of the reason why I don't like big cities. I feel protected here. I can go someplace, even to the ghetto grocery store, and know I that it is small here. I know more, here. I abhor the helpless feeling I get if I'm alone in the big city. I could never do it alone. Women are afraid, and I'm not alone. I wish that I could be confident that someday I won't pass these fears onto a daughter.