PART I
_______________
When I was in the 7th grade I met this girl at church. Her name was Mandy Brown.
We HATED each other. Or...she hated ME...and so...naturally, out of spite...I had to hate her back. I had to hate her better and more fully.
Then we got stuck together in the back seat of a car going to a summer camp for like four hours. I don't know what happened on that trip...but she fell in love with me right then and there...and was my advocate for life. We went to different jr. high but the same high school. After that we were like brother and sister until I finally joined the Marines and left everything behind. She actually joined the Army...probably trying to be like me...which I heard through the grapevine went really badly for her.
Seriously...it was like the craziest love/hate relationships I've ever had...(and I've had a couple) and it was simply like having a twin sister. In fact, we used to tell people we were twins though we looked NOTHING alike.
I loved her so much...she was so cool and no matter what ever happened we were cool. I'd call her a bitch to her face...and she'd forgive me. She'd not talk to me for weeks, and then come crying to me...and I'd be there. I remember how straight a young kid I was...and how when she started doing drugs in high school (and I ain't talking Mary Jane) I totally did like a one person intervention. That went over like shit. So then...I was driving her home one night and I told her if she did'nt stop I'd tell her parents. She cried and made me promise not to tell. I always was a pushover and agreed as long as she did'nt do the "hard stuff"
I was never really successful at getting her to quit.
I had'nt heard from her in....um....10 years.
Today i get a call. She had tracked me down through hell and back to make sure I did'nt go to Africa (somehow she found out that I was planning on volunteering there last year.) She said she had'nt thought of me in years...but had a dream about me. This is where it gets wierd. Her family is psychic. Two weeks ago her mom called an aquantance and told her she needed to go check on her boyfriend. She had a dream about him and a suicide note. And he HAD actually killed himself. There's all kinds of other stuff...llike her grandma actually made a living as a psychic...but that is the jist of it. So she's like "don't go to Africa"...and I'm like..."I'm not...but I'm probably heading to Florida soon with the Red Cross"...and she's like "DON'T GO!"
Fucking CRAZY! She's convinced I'm going to die if I go anywhere...but her dream did'nt even have death in it so whatever. Anyway...I think I'll be seeing her on Sunday at the beach...and her little daughter too! ANd even all her sisters who all loved me too. Even Chelsea who was one of the hottest girls I ever knew...whoa....and Angela her little sister who was like 11 the last time I saw her and would want me to play board games with her all night. She's 21 now and dating a 30 year old guy and goin to Chapman. I'm stoked to see all of em. SO stoked!
PART II
_______________
I put waaaaaaaay too much on my friggin plate...and this whole Americorps /Red Cross thing is great...but it looks like I might have to drop out of school...and I hate that. I hate it...I hate it.
I don't want to put this off any fucking more and I just hate it.
Did I mention I hate it.
I'm supposed to be in class right now...but with the Florida thing...it's a waste of time. Florida will probably be like a three week deal! ugh. Someone shoot me in the face. I have to keep on schedule and graduate in two years. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! This is the way my life always goes. A choice...between an amazing experience/adventure...something that will get me somewhere...or something I have to do in order to fulfill some kind of fucked up responsibility.
Then there's the money...this Americorps thing is like....bleeding me fucking dry.
But I love the job and I love the people. I'm just afraid that putting off school...even for a semester is more than I want to give up. And then there's my Dad and his business. Floundering like a mother fucker without me there to hold it together.
I have some serious decisions to make...and there is noooooo really good one.
I want my mommy.
PART III
____________________
I was just cleaning out my room a bit...and I ran across an old card from my ex...which reads in part...
"You are so amazing...I feel lucky to have met someone who keeps me on my toes, yet at the same time makes me feel instantaneously comfortable. I find myself walking to work with a smile on my face and feeling my pulse quicken as I open the door to catch a glimpse of that sexy bartender (that's me) smiling back at me. Your heartfelt curiosity, unabashed goofiness, relentless creativity, and generous spirit all play a part in my magnetic attraction towards you. Ok...so your bedroom skills don't hurt either.
"
And then a bunch of stuff about how fucking rad I am and how she wants to have my babies and shit. You know...general stuff.
It's nice to have kept that kind of stuff...and I'm so glad I had her in my life...and I value the direction she set me on sooooo much.
Before her...I was sure that my life was going to consist of girl after girl after girl...and booty call after booty call...and I really did'nt care. I was pretty empty after this shotgun marriage I had did'nt work out. In fact...I was crushed...crushed in a way that made me feel like failure was my destiny. To not have a marriage work...despite how fucked up and stupid the circumstances were (we got married in vegas for christ's sake) THAT was something that just was'nt OK in my head. So I went self destructive. I fucking went sex, drugs and rock and roll. I went stupid.
Sarah changed that. We changed that. For the first time, with her....I had a healthy relationship...and I realized how important choosing people is...and I felt redeemed. I was an amazing boyfriend to an incredible woman. And I took pride in it. I worked at it. I loved it and I loved her. I will never go back to the empty shit I pursued before her. Never.
I'm ready for that kind of thing again. Something that will make me grow. I want to give...and take...and play...and learn...and fight...and fuck...and sing...and dance...and sleep in all day...and walk around naked...and be a fucking retard.
Yeah...I want all this. And i know what it is I want in a woman. But I don't NEED any of it. And that my friends...is the perfect place to be...and it's freeing.
Now...if I can just keep my penis in my pants...I'll be OK.
_______________
When I was in the 7th grade I met this girl at church. Her name was Mandy Brown.
We HATED each other. Or...she hated ME...and so...naturally, out of spite...I had to hate her back. I had to hate her better and more fully.
Then we got stuck together in the back seat of a car going to a summer camp for like four hours. I don't know what happened on that trip...but she fell in love with me right then and there...and was my advocate for life. We went to different jr. high but the same high school. After that we were like brother and sister until I finally joined the Marines and left everything behind. She actually joined the Army...probably trying to be like me...which I heard through the grapevine went really badly for her.
Seriously...it was like the craziest love/hate relationships I've ever had...(and I've had a couple) and it was simply like having a twin sister. In fact, we used to tell people we were twins though we looked NOTHING alike.
I loved her so much...she was so cool and no matter what ever happened we were cool. I'd call her a bitch to her face...and she'd forgive me. She'd not talk to me for weeks, and then come crying to me...and I'd be there. I remember how straight a young kid I was...and how when she started doing drugs in high school (and I ain't talking Mary Jane) I totally did like a one person intervention. That went over like shit. So then...I was driving her home one night and I told her if she did'nt stop I'd tell her parents. She cried and made me promise not to tell. I always was a pushover and agreed as long as she did'nt do the "hard stuff"
I was never really successful at getting her to quit.
I had'nt heard from her in....um....10 years.
Today i get a call. She had tracked me down through hell and back to make sure I did'nt go to Africa (somehow she found out that I was planning on volunteering there last year.) She said she had'nt thought of me in years...but had a dream about me. This is where it gets wierd. Her family is psychic. Two weeks ago her mom called an aquantance and told her she needed to go check on her boyfriend. She had a dream about him and a suicide note. And he HAD actually killed himself. There's all kinds of other stuff...llike her grandma actually made a living as a psychic...but that is the jist of it. So she's like "don't go to Africa"...and I'm like..."I'm not...but I'm probably heading to Florida soon with the Red Cross"...and she's like "DON'T GO!"
Fucking CRAZY! She's convinced I'm going to die if I go anywhere...but her dream did'nt even have death in it so whatever. Anyway...I think I'll be seeing her on Sunday at the beach...and her little daughter too! ANd even all her sisters who all loved me too. Even Chelsea who was one of the hottest girls I ever knew...whoa....and Angela her little sister who was like 11 the last time I saw her and would want me to play board games with her all night. She's 21 now and dating a 30 year old guy and goin to Chapman. I'm stoked to see all of em. SO stoked!
PART II
_______________
I put waaaaaaaay too much on my friggin plate...and this whole Americorps /Red Cross thing is great...but it looks like I might have to drop out of school...and I hate that. I hate it...I hate it.
I don't want to put this off any fucking more and I just hate it.
Did I mention I hate it.
I'm supposed to be in class right now...but with the Florida thing...it's a waste of time. Florida will probably be like a three week deal! ugh. Someone shoot me in the face. I have to keep on schedule and graduate in two years. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! This is the way my life always goes. A choice...between an amazing experience/adventure...something that will get me somewhere...or something I have to do in order to fulfill some kind of fucked up responsibility.
Then there's the money...this Americorps thing is like....bleeding me fucking dry.
But I love the job and I love the people. I'm just afraid that putting off school...even for a semester is more than I want to give up. And then there's my Dad and his business. Floundering like a mother fucker without me there to hold it together.
I have some serious decisions to make...and there is noooooo really good one.
I want my mommy.
PART III
____________________
I was just cleaning out my room a bit...and I ran across an old card from my ex...which reads in part...
"You are so amazing...I feel lucky to have met someone who keeps me on my toes, yet at the same time makes me feel instantaneously comfortable. I find myself walking to work with a smile on my face and feeling my pulse quicken as I open the door to catch a glimpse of that sexy bartender (that's me) smiling back at me. Your heartfelt curiosity, unabashed goofiness, relentless creativity, and generous spirit all play a part in my magnetic attraction towards you. Ok...so your bedroom skills don't hurt either.
"
And then a bunch of stuff about how fucking rad I am and how she wants to have my babies and shit. You know...general stuff.
It's nice to have kept that kind of stuff...and I'm so glad I had her in my life...and I value the direction she set me on sooooo much.
Before her...I was sure that my life was going to consist of girl after girl after girl...and booty call after booty call...and I really did'nt care. I was pretty empty after this shotgun marriage I had did'nt work out. In fact...I was crushed...crushed in a way that made me feel like failure was my destiny. To not have a marriage work...despite how fucked up and stupid the circumstances were (we got married in vegas for christ's sake) THAT was something that just was'nt OK in my head. So I went self destructive. I fucking went sex, drugs and rock and roll. I went stupid.
Sarah changed that. We changed that. For the first time, with her....I had a healthy relationship...and I realized how important choosing people is...and I felt redeemed. I was an amazing boyfriend to an incredible woman. And I took pride in it. I worked at it. I loved it and I loved her. I will never go back to the empty shit I pursued before her. Never.
I'm ready for that kind of thing again. Something that will make me grow. I want to give...and take...and play...and learn...and fight...and fuck...and sing...and dance...and sleep in all day...and walk around naked...and be a fucking retard.
Yeah...I want all this. And i know what it is I want in a woman. But I don't NEED any of it. And that my friends...is the perfect place to be...and it's freeing.
Now...if I can just keep my penis in my pants...I'll be OK.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
Wow. Marine corp. and a failed marriage. You are a complex fellow, aren't you?