Confessions of a lost soul - the lost diary entries

18


The diary of
Artillery SG Hopeful

21 October 2015

*Post-op recovery and quiet time*

Hi there all you beautiful people of SG Land!

My most sincere apologies for the long break in posts. I have been working my ass off at my new job, and finally know why I was so sick the past couple of months...

I'am now at home and booked off work and any other activities untill I'am healed up and able to function normally (whatever normal is). I was released from hospital on Saturday, after having emergency surgery to remove my appendics. After many months of being wrongly diagnosed, they caught it before it was about to rupture. Thank fuck for small miracles!

I can finally Thank you all for the love on my set "Rooi",which is probably out of MR by now, but rather late than never. Right?

Maybe I should use this entry as a *confession* homework entry? As I have missed out on allot of the homework subjects @missy, @lyxzen, @rambo give to us. I definitely fail this semester.

☺️😐😕😢

I will probably be spending Halloween on my bed, on my back, still medicated. I could think of worse things.

Though my fear now lies in the healing of the scar, and the great anxiety the medication is causing me, it triggers my anxiety attacks. Ugh! Lame Artillery ramblings.

This is a rather different blog entry, but bare with me. It's my way of filling the blanks, and attempting to explain why I haven't been able to get back to most of you or been able to shoot much. Though I am dying to, I can barely stand up straight.

11 August 2015
What a mad couple of months it has been...

I finally found the inspiration to write something that is not so shit, while I was feeling a little offish. Perhaps offish isn't the word, since I'am "confessing" something and all I might aswell be frank about it - I was feeling down right shitty.

Before I get into why's and how's...
My third Hopeful set, Rooi went into member review on 24 July 2015, I'am so excited about this set. I think @Puffin did an absolutely awesome job as photographer!😘
Thank you so much to each and every one of you who showed your love and welcome to all my new followers, I appreciate every little 💕pink heart💕! The universe knows I would LOVE to go full blown pink, but that's one of the reasons why all hopefuls are here, is it not?
Weekly we get given homework to do by @lyxzin, @missy, @rambo, and I keep stuffing up uploading my blogs, which leads to me losing what I wrote, but this time I started to write them in my iPhone's notes. So it automatically got saved... Yay me!
After having done a great deal of necessary catching up the past few days, I still couldn't decide on which topic to cover, so this week I didn't choose anything specific to blog about, instead I will cover a few subjects, roughly... But not too rough.😋😽 If that is fine by the reader...
"My fave SG set"
Its a toss up between my current set in member review https://suicidegirls.com/members/artillery/album/2227295/rooi/ and my set https://suicidegirls.com/members/artillery/album/1913669/in-bloom/ which is sadly already out of member review.
A little insight Into what went down the day we shot
"In Bloom", on 27 September '14:
We planned everything to the tea, but unfortunately the rest is up to Mother Nature, considering that we were to shoot an outdoor set... In winter.. Well the end of our lovely South African winter. Though I must add that living in Cape Town, you kind of get use to having all four seasons in one day. That very day I woke up and looked out the window, I immediately got on the phone to my friend and photographer, Miss Fenyx
Artillery: " it's going to rain! What are we going to do- we are shooting outdoors- "
Miss Fenyx: "Then we shoot in the rain."
Instantly I recomposed myself, got up, dressed up and showed up. And look how lovely the set turned out.

I'd also like to thank the gorgeous, @puffin for the beautiful set she shot of me at the Cape Town mini shoot, when she was in South Africa in December '14. I really had such an amazing day with a few of the South African SGs and hopefuls. 😘💋💕 I'm lame enough to confess that meeting other SGH's and SG's is the closest I've been to meeting someone famous, I suppose that would cover the "Someone famous" subject, aswell as being the "geekiest thing about me", right? ... No? ... Ok.

Now for that confession part of this blog...

24 May 2014

Big step on my part to finally introduce myself in here, which would explain why I'am missing in action online every now and then.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2007 at age 17, when I had my first nervous breakdown, they couldn't have been more wrong... They kept medicating and medicating, upping my anti-depressant dosage everytime things got bad. When I eventually moved out of my parents house I was too poor to afford medication and went off it. I did well for some time, feeling happy, energetic and creative. I could cry when I felt like it, as I wasn't numbed by medication and things were ok. I got engaged and moved to Another city and things were great for about a year.

In November 2012 things turned for the worse, I realised that everything in my relationship and at work was bullshit, I realised how alone I was. I found all the wrongs in my life and threw myself into drinking. I started looking for trouble and trouble would find me not enough for me to end up hurt or dead, but I did lose a few things (besides my mind) after getting robbed 3 times in the same month. By January 2013 I booked myself into a clinic, where I spent a month being stabilized on medication, though the first week I could barely get out of bed to eat or smoke a cigarette. I wanted to sleep and never wake up again. But the nurses kind of forced me out of that. I took some groups and classes on learning to cope, it helped... It definitely helped ... Kept me holding on and fighting till today. Though every now and then I feel I'm losing the battle, losing the will to carry on, I can feel that I'm slipping, further into the dark hole... And At that point I can feel something gripping me tightly tugging on my soul. Again I'll find myself crying one day and unable to feel the next. ...Still I refuse to be medicated, because I choose to feel, as appose to being numbed and unable to feel. I prefer having a out of control sex drive to a misplaced modjo. Hehehehe

Here are some things that remind me as to why I should hold on, there is more:

My family

My crazy friends

Videos

Music

Everything is fine in the end, if it is not fine, it's most likely not the end. - something I read on a chalk board.
It helped a lil.

On a side note and as an edit after my original upload seemingly uploaded WITHOUT any of the 27 photos I uploaded to try post alongside this blog... Im a lil irritated by that now, but will try again, after typing an explanation as to why there are no images.

I shall sign a goodnight, for now. And apologize for the book form entry, will send as pdf next time 😉 Hehe, or just actually try come online more often and not get so caught up in reality😋

Love n Light,

Artillery

XxX

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
janinekittyb:
glad you are back and getting well!!! <3
oneimill:
Good thing they caught it, even if they waited until the last damn minute to do so. Hopefully you recover quickly. And I get the medication thing. I've been dealing with depression for half my life now, but I don't want the medication because it makes me flat, or like I'm not really alive. Just sort of... there.

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