archernu

When one is fighting oneself and losing, parents are the most irritating people on the face of the fucking planet. Now, generally speaking, I have a very good relationship with my parents. But, my mother is the absolute icon of both irrationality and tactlessness. She called me the day before last week's trip to Seattle for the express purpose of telling me that she would "fucking kill me" if I didn't turn in my Horror take-home on time. Yes, that's a direct quote. Actually, she repeated it at least three times - before citing that she was Irish "and that means I keep my promises." The next day this was sitting in my inbox, exactly as below:


My Dan,

I trust you value your life enough to get your mid-term handed in on time. Remember my Irish promise. Let me know if you want me to put any more money in your Fleet account-I can do than tomorrow. I really don't want to drag your skinny ass off the plane, tomorrow, so get your work done. Have a good trip!

Love you, MOm


A week later and she's still raging. And, no matter how much I try to impart on her that she is making my life exponentially more difficult with her constant death threats (qua inspirational good wishes), she just doesn't fucking get it.

So, back against the wall while fighting a fierce bout of depression, I made a plea to my father: "Please get her off me. Tranquilizer her if you have to, but I really can't deal with this right now." He laughed.

"It's okay, Dan; she only loves you. That's all this is. If you get your shit together and graduate on time, all this will go away," he said.

I hung up and shotguned a Pabst.