Soooo a few of you guys wanted to know how I went, and I honestly really want to write this too, because I really like being able to look back on things and see how I've improved and all that jazz. Firstly, the gym was empty so I took a selfie for Instagram:
Because I'm THAT girl.
Secondly, for more context, I feel like I should tell you guys that I'm on a high-dosage, slow release version of Tramadol, which is an opioid. I will talk about it a little more in a different blog but for now I think all you guys really need to know is that I deal with chronic pain, and it's the first non-analgesic medication I've been on. I've had instant release Tramadol and Endone in the past, but this is the first time I've been on anything that I need to take consistently.
I unfortunately seem to have around ALL of the more minor side effects. Nausea, dizziness, watery eyes, constipation, dry mouth, drowsiness/generally feeling mildly stoned. It was really bad for the first week - as in, I don't remember several days, and my partner informed me after that they thought of asking me to stop taking them because I literally was not even answering questions, I'd just sit and stare into space. So, the gym was not possible. The weeks after that, it was a combination of being terrified of how I'd go at the gym and crazy goings-on with job hunting that kept me away. But I could feel that my lil muscles were diminishing and I was getting pretty sad with how I felt about my body, so I decided to get back now that I can function reasonably normally.
I can say this much: I'm fucking SORE today. Even though I knew I felt weaker, I somehow expected to be able to walk in and just lift the same amounts and complete the same amounts of sets/reps like it was nothing. Not so. I ended up doing the same amount of weight for all my free weight exercises, but I dropped down to three sets of ten reps where I usually do five. And usually when I do five sets of ten reps, I still feel like I have one or two left in the tank. I definitely didn't yesterday.
Deadlifts and deep squats I started off really small with. I feel like I'm starting from scratch again, and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm NOT, and that five months ago I never would've thought I'd complete any sort of dead lift. So for my deadlifts I made it five sets of five reps with 30kg, and for deep squats I only managed four sets of five reps with 20kg. I was super disappointed with that, so I followed up with three sets of eight reps with 40kg on the leg press. After that I just did a bunch of bodyweight stuff on the floor where I felt safe. Clams, glute bridges, all that.
I didn't do cardio. Cardio and heavy lifting scare me the most, because by FAR the most scary side effect when I'm at the gym is dizziness. When I'm trying to explain the particular brand of dizziness to others, I tell them that it's kind of like when you stand up too fast, or you step from a warm floor on to a really cold floor. Light-headed, no balance and my vision goes black/I see stars a little for a few seconds. This happens 25+ times a day and it's worse if I'm moving around a lot, for obvious reasons.
It was really hard to work through, and I think it's just something I'll have to keep pushing through and learning to anticipate and deal with. I've told myself that I will not go to the gym when it's empty any more, in case something does happen to me and I need help. Because it's terrifying when there's 20kg on your back and you suddenly can't see or feel which way's up. I'm going to have to learn to be patient with myself and spend more time building up to higher weights where I used to just push myself, because I now NEED that extra buffer of 'if something goes wrong this isn't too heavy for me anyway.'
So like, I'm super sad today, being crazily sore from a ninety minute session that usually wouldn't make much impact, but I'm happy that I've made a start. At least I can begin to figure out where to go from here.
Thanks for reading, people who got this far. <3 Your support means the world to me.
