I sit here in an hightly altered state.
i ask myself if I should continue; my mind is still attached to reality (though last time I gave up reality I ended up in the hospital).
I am so tired of reality, it is a sharp stick in the eye.
Another roxicet on top of the last, and the three gin/tonics?
I feel all warm all over.
I smile as I wonder if I am now a dadaist automoton incarnate; working strait from intuition despite my senses being anything but strait.
What am I running from? I forget...
Oh there it is. I am rembering my memmory that Im running from.
Oh, there is that letter...
FUCK!!!!!!
( Stay tuned to learn what happens to our antoginist)
Addendium: later that night.
ARRRRG!
i know that I do is shit. I am slitting my own wrists (proverbily) with respect to my psychological situation. I know that I do is wron but I do it regardless.
How is this supposed to attract a solution?
Still later...
I read my ex-girlfriends live journal. She is doing great it seems. i am happy for her (please dont send her any emails or comments that reffer to me). It makes me feel better. I only want the best for her.
I may go to the bars now, or risk taking more painkillers.
Maybe half a tab more.
I cant feel my teeth any more though.
Perhaps not.
Well see.
What an auspicious day...
The next morning:
Still drunk and high, but sick as well, I stumbled out of be nakid and plod to the bathroom. I have to work today and eat dinner with my parents and grandmother tonight.
No fun.
I happened upon my sister in the bar I went to to find friends. At one point after two-fisting two gin/tonics I did a shot with her, then blatered on to her friends about the state of popular music and electronic music today.
My head is hurting quite bad; I proabably should have had something to eat yestrday after lunch. I have to stop writing to you know and go search for something to dilute the chemicles in my blodstream, and to fill the vacency in my chest (you know - more dorsal then the lungs, and right behind the sturnum in the upper torso).
Bye bye!
i ask myself if I should continue; my mind is still attached to reality (though last time I gave up reality I ended up in the hospital).
I am so tired of reality, it is a sharp stick in the eye.
Another roxicet on top of the last, and the three gin/tonics?
I feel all warm all over.
I smile as I wonder if I am now a dadaist automoton incarnate; working strait from intuition despite my senses being anything but strait.
What am I running from? I forget...
Oh there it is. I am rembering my memmory that Im running from.
Oh, there is that letter...
FUCK!!!!!!
( Stay tuned to learn what happens to our antoginist)
Addendium: later that night.
ARRRRG!
i know that I do is shit. I am slitting my own wrists (proverbily) with respect to my psychological situation. I know that I do is wron but I do it regardless.
How is this supposed to attract a solution?
Still later...
I read my ex-girlfriends live journal. She is doing great it seems. i am happy for her (please dont send her any emails or comments that reffer to me). It makes me feel better. I only want the best for her.
I may go to the bars now, or risk taking more painkillers.
Maybe half a tab more.
I cant feel my teeth any more though.
Perhaps not.
Well see.
What an auspicious day...
The next morning:
Still drunk and high, but sick as well, I stumbled out of be nakid and plod to the bathroom. I have to work today and eat dinner with my parents and grandmother tonight.
No fun.
I happened upon my sister in the bar I went to to find friends. At one point after two-fisting two gin/tonics I did a shot with her, then blatered on to her friends about the state of popular music and electronic music today.
My head is hurting quite bad; I proabably should have had something to eat yestrday after lunch. I have to stop writing to you know and go search for something to dilute the chemicles in my blodstream, and to fill the vacency in my chest (you know - more dorsal then the lungs, and right behind the sturnum in the upper torso).
Bye bye!
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
And in regards to your journal . . . harboring over the past is giving it power to control you, if it's the past it's in the past and it shouldn't be able to hurt you now. Too much of the shoulda, coulda, woulda can be staggering. Once hindsight becomes painful it ceases to be useful, remember that.
[Edited on Dec 26, 2004 3:54PM]
I've gotta agree with Ostentate, both about you being a fabulously dirty boy, and the fact that you shouldn't dwell on the past. You can't go back and change anything....the only thing you can do is try not to let it mess up your future. Shouldn't let anything hold you back, including past memories and past mistakes. Gotta clense yanno? Gotta get rid of all the negativity and ickyness that is bringing you down.
Want to know something that helps me out? I picture myself out on a big boat in the middle of the ocean. In front of me is a big steel trunk. I picture myself putting all the negative things in my life into that huge steel trunk until I'm empty of all negativity. Then I shut the trunk, put a big ass lock on it, weld the lock shut, and push the whole ugly thing into the ocean. I make sure to watch it sink, until I can't see it anymore, then I turn my back on all that negative energy, turn the boat around and go back home. Bye bye negativity
Anyway, hope this helps Hotpants. I hate to see anyone feeling so badly. ::smoochcuddlelick::