I have essentially been struggling all my life and really the saying "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is probably only true for those incredibly strong in the first place. My experience has been that it consistently makes me weaker, and most scientific research on the mind and body supports that. The longer I've suffered my depression, the more easily it sets in and the harder it hits each time. It takes little to nothing to set it off. My physically health has spiraled down to a point more severe than many may realize. I may be fairly tall at 6'3" but at my biggest I was 375 lbs. and am still about 330. I have still uncontrolled Type 2 diabetes, fairly severe peripheral neuropathy, peripheral adema with pretty severe swelling and redness in my feet and legs, GERD, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, severe chronic body aches and pains, skin that scars easily and doesn't heal properly, abnormally high resting pulse rate, and likely more. But with all this, my major depression and anxiety are infintely more crippling. I have an extreme self-hatred, heavy burden of guilt, and almost no self-esteem. I grow more afraid of this as each day passes and social situations can drive me to a panic which leads me to isolate myself. This isolation leads me to extreme loneliness and deepens my depression. I essentially work quietly doing data entry in a cubicle then go to my home which is literally falling apart (severe foundation problems, missing walls, holes in ceilings, potential mold, rodents, etc.) and I sit in my home alone essentially isolated to my small bedroom.
Nothing really makes me happy anymore. The only joy I get is from making others happy, but my ability to do so is always lacking, largely due to money. I so often extend myself beyond my financial means for people just to see them smile, but I then am burdened by guilt due to the need for help from others and the burden I put on them. I'm so often lost and feel like the only thing I might have a use for in this world is something I am unable to do. I so often hear of various opportunities, work or otherwise that would be so beneficial for me, but they never come my way, they are always somewhere distant.
Just because I like to make people happy, I won't lie to you if you ask my opinion. I may state it in as soft a manner as possible though. For all the women here on this site, I've never once lied or embelished my comments in any manner. I've meant what I said.
I'm sorry if I rant a lot, depress or annoy anyone. I just can't bury everything inside like I once could. I think doing so for so long, and the point I found my father dead essentially broke me. So sometimes I have to spill it somewhere.
