ApostropheNow, the man with the x-ray eyes who sees beyond ! ...somewhere in South Florida.
I have to get the rules out the way..... I'm going to repeat myself, and you will be indifferent.
How many times have you awoke suddenly from a deep sleep to the horrible notion that you're dying? You're dying, and there's no time to do any of the things that you said you were going to do if and when you had, say, ten minutes to live. It's no use calling your friends or family, they either won't answer or they'll just tell you it's too early for this shit. You're not even going to see the sun rise one more time. You're alone with nothing but the stillness of the early morning and the bewilderment of "what now?"
This has happened to me once before. Which is to say, it's happened several times in several manifestations. The latest episode was last Sunday. I thought I might be having a brain aneurysm, though it occurred to me much later that if it had been an aneurysm I probably wouldn't have been doing much thinking at the time. The feeling was like a stale, free floating dread - visited upon me by some invisible angel of death. What it was, superficially, was a severe headache on the left side of the back of my head.
I paced the house with my hands on my head in a kind of "I surrender" conciliation. I tried to breath calmly, remember some of the moves I learned from Tai Chi; bones did creak and tendons did pop. No amount of "Wind in the Willows" (or whatever the fuck that move's called) alleviated my stress. As a last ditch attempt to save myself I got in the shower and turned the hot water all the way up; I left my underwear on - if this was how i was goin' out I didn't want to be found with my dick all shrunken down.
And..... I'm still here.
And all my old disappointments came back in on a tide of relief. Your Pal, AN
I have to get the rules out the way..... I'm going to repeat myself, and you will be indifferent.
How many times have you awoke suddenly from a deep sleep to the horrible notion that you're dying? You're dying, and there's no time to do any of the things that you said you were going to do if and when you had, say, ten minutes to live. It's no use calling your friends or family, they either won't answer or they'll just tell you it's too early for this shit. You're not even going to see the sun rise one more time. You're alone with nothing but the stillness of the early morning and the bewilderment of "what now?"
This has happened to me once before. Which is to say, it's happened several times in several manifestations. The latest episode was last Sunday. I thought I might be having a brain aneurysm, though it occurred to me much later that if it had been an aneurysm I probably wouldn't have been doing much thinking at the time. The feeling was like a stale, free floating dread - visited upon me by some invisible angel of death. What it was, superficially, was a severe headache on the left side of the back of my head.
I paced the house with my hands on my head in a kind of "I surrender" conciliation. I tried to breath calmly, remember some of the moves I learned from Tai Chi; bones did creak and tendons did pop. No amount of "Wind in the Willows" (or whatever the fuck that move's called) alleviated my stress. As a last ditch attempt to save myself I got in the shower and turned the hot water all the way up; I left my underwear on - if this was how i was goin' out I didn't want to be found with my dick all shrunken down.
And..... I'm still here.
And all my old disappointments came back in on a tide of relief. Your Pal, AN
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
waldo_jeffers:
Meanwhile, your journal entry sounds like some pretty heavy stuff. Best of luck with that. I occasionally experience sleep paralysis and that can be a rather scary and unpleasant experience but I have never woken up thinking that I am dying. One time after performing some basic exercises in controlled breathing, being still and clearing my mind, I had an experience which is perhaps analogous to what you have described. After I had finished the exercises and I started to move about and I suddenly realised that all of my family were going to die. I don't mean that I thought they were about to die right that minute. I was acutely aware of their mortaliy and the fact that one day at an unknown point in the future they would die. I had always known on an intellectual level that my family were destined one day to die but I had never believed it on an emotional level. This realisation just jumped into my head like a flash of insight. I suppose we all assume that things will always stay the same but the fact is that people age and die and the wheel of time keeps moving. However, the realisation that everyone would die made me feel that way that I would feel if they actually had died. I found my self weeping uncontrollably. I was particularly upset about the thought that my mum would die. The weird thing is that the realisation didn't come during meditation but afterwards.
jonnytrrrash7:
i can't even remember how many times i somehow drifted off to sleep, positive that i wouldn't be waking up in the morning alive, yet somehow survived. how will i know when my time is up?