figured i would write again...its already 5 in the morning...the nights go by quicker and quicker...
the world is a horrible place. found out that a good friend of a friend was raped the other night. i have no comment other than i feel physically ill thinking about it... damn. what a headtrip...
my hand is covered with wounds from work. small burns and cuts.. cooking is dangerous sometimes. damn hot skillets.
one of my friends is leaving to go out of country next month. he will probablly be gone for the next 5 years... another friend of mine is leaving to goto seattle tomorrow.. dont know if she is going to return anytime soon. my other friend always tells me to email her. but its been so long since ive actually talked to her that i dont even know what to write in an email, except that im still alive. i seem to frequent my "best" friends life less and less. i havent talked to her in about 3 weeks. i know she has her own life and all, but... eh. that is about the extent of my friendships. i know other people, through my friends though...so if im not hanging out with my friends then i dont really see or talk to the other folks. my brothers have their own little lives.. my youngest brother i have never really known as a young adult anyway. i keep forgetting that he is 18 and out of high school now. my other brother and i used to be closer. now he lives at his girlfriends house and i seem him pretty much only when i want cheap food and go annoy him at work. i barely talk to my mother and her husband. just in passing to say hello or see ya later. my mother asks me if im okay?...i tell her sure. i talk to my father maybe once a week on the phone. its mostly recapping our weeks, mine arent that interesting, and his dont change much. work, work, work, sleep... not to say he is borring me. its just our routine has gotten repetiitive... ( i cant spell...). i goto work and talk to the other cooks...usually its to poke fun at the waitstaff or another cook. maybe something else will get mentioned. sometimes i go the whole shift saying no more than five things. i dont think while im at work. i just work. time goes by. i go back to my mothers basement. my dog is happy to see me. i take him out. he goes to sleep. when i have a day off i never know what to do. my exmotherinlaw calls me every so often...more so than anybody else i know. i think she is worried about me. i consider her a friend and will always think of her as "family", but its still hard to talk to her sometimes. she will always be the mother of the girl who i loved. i goto 711 almost every night. the clerk always says hi to me. he says he alwasy gets some intersting customers overnight.....do i want to be happy? the question followed me home after going to see the councilor last wed... i thought i did. but what on earth will make me happy?...and do i want to be for real? do i really want to be a "dark miserable soul"....psht....what nonesense i write....i told the counclior that i go through the week and on average the thought of ending my life goes through my head 5 or so times. just like that it is in there. i could be having a "good" day and bam. the thought is right in the forefront of my thoughts. thats not good. i know that. but it happens just the same. maybe i was too sensitive to this world..or too naive. or too damn trusting. whatever.. im not sure why im even writing.
oh look, the sun is out again...
the world is a horrible place. found out that a good friend of a friend was raped the other night. i have no comment other than i feel physically ill thinking about it... damn. what a headtrip...
my hand is covered with wounds from work. small burns and cuts.. cooking is dangerous sometimes. damn hot skillets.
one of my friends is leaving to go out of country next month. he will probablly be gone for the next 5 years... another friend of mine is leaving to goto seattle tomorrow.. dont know if she is going to return anytime soon. my other friend always tells me to email her. but its been so long since ive actually talked to her that i dont even know what to write in an email, except that im still alive. i seem to frequent my "best" friends life less and less. i havent talked to her in about 3 weeks. i know she has her own life and all, but... eh. that is about the extent of my friendships. i know other people, through my friends though...so if im not hanging out with my friends then i dont really see or talk to the other folks. my brothers have their own little lives.. my youngest brother i have never really known as a young adult anyway. i keep forgetting that he is 18 and out of high school now. my other brother and i used to be closer. now he lives at his girlfriends house and i seem him pretty much only when i want cheap food and go annoy him at work. i barely talk to my mother and her husband. just in passing to say hello or see ya later. my mother asks me if im okay?...i tell her sure. i talk to my father maybe once a week on the phone. its mostly recapping our weeks, mine arent that interesting, and his dont change much. work, work, work, sleep... not to say he is borring me. its just our routine has gotten repetiitive... ( i cant spell...). i goto work and talk to the other cooks...usually its to poke fun at the waitstaff or another cook. maybe something else will get mentioned. sometimes i go the whole shift saying no more than five things. i dont think while im at work. i just work. time goes by. i go back to my mothers basement. my dog is happy to see me. i take him out. he goes to sleep. when i have a day off i never know what to do. my exmotherinlaw calls me every so often...more so than anybody else i know. i think she is worried about me. i consider her a friend and will always think of her as "family", but its still hard to talk to her sometimes. she will always be the mother of the girl who i loved. i goto 711 almost every night. the clerk always says hi to me. he says he alwasy gets some intersting customers overnight.....do i want to be happy? the question followed me home after going to see the councilor last wed... i thought i did. but what on earth will make me happy?...and do i want to be for real? do i really want to be a "dark miserable soul"....psht....what nonesense i write....i told the counclior that i go through the week and on average the thought of ending my life goes through my head 5 or so times. just like that it is in there. i could be having a "good" day and bam. the thought is right in the forefront of my thoughts. thats not good. i know that. but it happens just the same. maybe i was too sensitive to this world..or too naive. or too damn trusting. whatever.. im not sure why im even writing.
oh look, the sun is out again...