aponia

It seems like everything happens on overcast days, I just received an email from a close friend. She's had a death in the family. I couldn't help but cry while I was reading the email because my mom has been going through so much of the same thing. When you read enough stories about peoples last months, you see patterns. My mom is falling into those patterns. I know she's feeling better, and I know she's been positive, but you can't help thinking its the beginning of the end.

Also, her stomach has been bothering her for the past two days. I know it doesn't seem like much, but my dad told me she's been "uncomfortable". This is how all the hospital trips start. I'm mad at myself for trying to get everything back to normal when I know it wasn't. I just feel like the rug is constantly getting ripped out from underneath me. I feel calm and then WHAM, back to square one of crying and hysteria. I'm just worried about her. I want to break into tears when I drive away from my parents house, because I know its the start of a long panic-y week until I can go back there.

Since I'm so miserable at my current job, and I feel I need to go home more often I'm looking at going back to retail. I'm thinking two part-time jobs could keep me going for awhile, until I could go back to school. I need a flexible, hourly schedule, so when I need to go home I can. I just haven't figured out how I'm going to survive the pay cut. I barely live on what I make now, any less would be a serious problem. Sometimes its just too hard making ends meet.

I wish I had something happy to say for a change. I feel like I've been such a downer as of late. Its just hard to be happy. I finished my neon purple gauntlets. Thats a positive. I'll take pictures later this week. I'm well on my way of my Icelandic shawl too. Ir seems everything i'm working on right now is purple. Which is fine with me...its a positive color, well, to me anyway. My orange sweater is still growing. I've been neglectful, paying attention to my shawl instead, but i'm forcing myself to work on it tonight.

I had a huge gripe to go into about the latest issue of Bitch but I'll save it for later. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore. Too many other things on my mind. Maybe later this week.

I've been off psych medicines for 3 weeks now, and I'm really beginning to feel it. I'm a complete and utter wreck. I've been having serious mood swings and its hard to keep myself under control. I need to go back to my doctor but I'm afraid too...I don't want them to tell me that there's nothing left for me to take except MAOI's, which I don't want. (I would have to change my entire diet, and it just doesn't seem worth it to me) Am I better off without, or with a drug that doesn't work? I'm not even sure if its worth fixing anymore...

My ears are now at a 4..I was stupid and tore them alittle, but they've been healing quite well. I think I might stop at 0, and keep them at a 4 for a few months. Slowly but surely wins the race..

How are you? What have you been up to?
When should I begin to switch my wardrobe from summer to winter? Is it too early in the season?