aponia

Hi kiddies.

I can't even begin to describe how tired and exhausted I am. No matter how much sleep I get, its never enough.

I'm at work today. My mom has been transfered to a normal room, so i'm going yo call her periodically. I need a day off, well, I didn't want one, but both my mom and dad and boyfriend all decided I needed time away from the hospital. I was buring myself out. And I decided to come to work, because the thought of being all alone in my house was scaring me. I even left for work early this morning because the thought of sitting on my couch with my thoughts just unnerved me. I hyperventilated the entire walk. I smoked and breathed quickly and nearly cried.

I'm nervous I'm not at the hospital. I'm nervous because I'm a state away. I want to run out of the building and get in my car and drive home.

I'm becoming a paniced wreck. When I talk, its akwardly long. I just have words fall out of my mouth haphazardly. I can't stop it...I vomit information. And I feel like such an idiot afterwards. When I'm not babbling, I'm quiet. I don't talk...I stare. Mostly out into space. Far far away from whatever situation I'm in.

I feel like i'm going to hell for thinking this, but I just want her to die quickly and peacefully. If she wants to go...please just take her already. Since surgery seems like its out of the question, laying in a bed in pain isn't good. If god was the loving caring dude...he would just end her suffering already...you know?

She may go home this week. I'm happy for that, but sad too. If she goes home, she'll either end up back in the hospital eventually, or she's going home to die. Either way makes my heart hurt.

I know i'm a hippy, but I'm wearing carnelian today. A big huge bead. Carnelian supposedly improves strength of will. I need all the strength I can get.

I love you all.