Saturday Sep 17, 2005

0
I can't even put into words how much all of your comments has meant to me. I think the only reason I'm not having a complete nervous breakdown is because of all the thoughts all of you have been sending my way. Please keep the strong thoughts and prayers coming.

I'm still in NJ. We went home last night to shower, sleep and pick up some new clothes. She's been awake, talking and eating. We all know whats really going on though.
She's probably only has days to live. She won't see past September. They've talked about putting her in a hospice so her last days are comfortable, or she can go home and spend it there. She's leaving the decision up to my dad.

We've had discussions about who gets what and whether she wants to be cremated. Some days I just sit by her bed while she sleeps just so I can smile at her when she wakes up.

Its been so hard...this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My whole heart and chest hurts and I can't help but cry most of the time. She won't get to see my wedding, or my children. We'll never spend another Christmas together. I won't be able to call her just to say hello. She'll miss my birthday. I keep having all these thoughts...you know? Like I'll never buy her another present. We'll never go out to eat again.

I'm just scared. Will the pain ever stop? Will I ever stop crying? How can I live without her?

I have to believe in heaven..I have to believe that my mom will lookout for me after she's gone.

I just can't stop crying....I just wish I knew how long we still had. No one can tell me. It could be tomorrow, it could be a week from now. We just don't know.

Please pray that she's not in pain, and that she goes quietly in her sleep. I want that for her more then anything. She's in so much pain right now. She talks, and she's her same normal self, but i know she's just tired of the pain.

I don't know..that wait from 10pm until the next visiting hour seems like the longest night ever..
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
illstabyou:
I'm so sorry -- my thoughts are with you.

If there's anything I can do or if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to ask.
doineanta:
She had been diagnoised with pancreatic cancer a year before she died. She did all sorts of chemo and finlaly tried trial drugs. finally, it was just too much for her, so i took my leave and went to boston (i live in nyc). she decided to stop treatment. that was right before thanksgiving. She was on Hospice care at home. we eventually got a bed in the living room for her. It was awful. so incredibley painful to just watch her get weaker and weaker by the day. It was heartbreaking. All i could do was cry and cry. I looked at her and all I could think about were all the things she was going to miss. I kept thinking "please don't leave me". The day before she died was the only time in the whole year she had any pain. so she was very lucky for that. That was my birthday. That night was a nightmare. There is this thing that happens when people go into respiratory failure. The sound is awful. It really sounded like she was in pain, but we had given her morphine, so she was completely out. Didn't sleep much that night. In the morning, her beathing had quieted, but was really shallow and her heart was racing. She died 15 minutes after I woke up that day, dec. 19th. It was quiet, but it still felt like she was there. The worst thing is when they take the body. The next few days were a total blur. I was completely manic. I still feel like that sometimes. Ask me anything you want. I have a close friend who lost her dad from cancer and she was the only one that understood and gave me info no one else would.

[Edited on Sep 18, 2005 11:21PM]

More Blogs