aponia

Hi everyone.

Today was a day of mixed feelings. I saw Iron and Wine, which was achingly beautiful, but the last song, I just cried and cried. I couldn't stop.

My mom is doing worse then I thought. It seems her kidney now has cancer patches, which means its spreading, maybe uncontrolably. She can't really walk around and has to use a bedpan even at home. She's hooked up to an IV. She seems very down, like she wants to give up. I'm so angry and upset. I mean, if god was so compasionate, why does she have to go through all of this misery? Why? Why can't she just be ok? Why does she deserve this?

I told my mom I had to leave early to go to a concert and she got upset. She doesn't like the fact that I drop in for an hour and leave. So I feel terrible, even worse then terrible. If I had an extra 3 days a week I would spend every minute there, you know?

I'm just a mess. I can't stop crying,I'm dehydrated, I need to wash my face.

Everything is just so fucked.
I need to go calm down.
Thanks for listening.