aponia

Hey kids,

I think the weather is messing with my brain. I woke up with this feeling of melancholy. I just feel sad and a little paranoid. Like my pants are freaking me out. I keep thinking that i'm going to wear them out, and why am I wasting them today when I could have worn them tommorrow. I know its a stupid, but its pushing itself to the front of my thoughts.
Sometimes I see my medication as a huge blanket, with holes. And every so often, I wake up and I feel like I did when I wasn't on anything. Like I'm nervous to leave the house, or speak to anyone, or even think. And then I realize this is the hole. And I hope that tommorrow is better, because a week of this would drive me crazy.

I just want a normal brain. Thats all.

Knitting circle was good. I worked on my many projects. I actually put my shawl down to start work on my cardigan. I love it already, and its less then an inch tall. The yarn is so soft, and the colors are so vibrant. I can't wait to be able to wear it. I will wear it everywhere! All of you will get sick of hearing about it and seeing it!

I know I should talk about more, but my sad little brain is working against me. I need a kitten. That would cheer me up.

I haven't spoken to my mom in a few days. I feel so guilty about it, I just don't feel like I ever have time anymore. Most of our conversations are short. Very short. I don't know how I feel about that. I feel like every word should count. Like everything said should be cherished. But just babbling about shopping and work and her flowers doesn't feel that valuable. Am I terrible for feeling this way? I mean, she has cancer, but it doesn't change anything in her life. I guess its just become so normal in our lives, it really doesn't change anything.

I'm such a downer. I need to go do something, maybe work, since I'm here and all.

Tell me something happy to cheer me up...

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I want a fucking cigarette. I'm not going to have one, but I want it. Like all I want to do is stand outside and smoke. When I'm really stressed out, this is what I crave. not chocolate, not soda...only nicotine. I'm so stressed I want to cry, just to let some of it out. I hate doing the job of four people, I hate being the point person for all of our wholesalers, so if someone else screws up I'm the one who takes the heat, I'm sick of having this endless stack of work on my desk, and feeling guilty for only leaving work a half an hour later then I should be.

Sorry..I needed to vent, since I can't smoke. Holy fucking god do I need a fucking hug...