aponia

I guess its about that time that I do reflecting on my year.
I've been kind of dreading this point. I think New Year's is going to be the saddest holiday for me because I have to actualy face the fact that another year is going to begin and my mom will not be a part of it.

Which leads me to the biggest thing that happened to me in all of 2005. My mother's death in October. When I actually think about it I'm amazed that its been two months already. I don't know what to say about it. The pain is very intense, and its with me everyday. It might not be my main focus, but its always there, creeping around in the background. And I know its going to be with me for a very long time. She was a great person, and she always believed in me, no matter how much of a fuckup I thought I was. Whenever I want to give up I know she wouldn't want me to, so I continue on. She always has been and always will be my strength.

Its really hard to think of other events from this year, since that was such a major one. I had some terrible things happen. With the second major thing being the theft of all my bags and hats, so pretty much, my entire business. It was heartbreaking. It was like losing a friend or family member. I have yet to felt anything else, because it triggers such sorrow over those things I had already made. I'm hoping it was the great cosmic forces telling me that my business was not meant to be, but it was told to me in such a harsh fashion.

I got laid off from a job I hated, which I don't really see as a bad thing. I've become a happier person without it. I haven't needed psychiatric drugs in two months...which is the longest I've been without for over 3 years. So I survived the worst time in my life without the help of medication, which seems like a feat in itself. And I believe it is tied to the fact that I do not work in that negative job anymore. I work for a yarn store, a place I love, I get to knit, talk knitting and yarn, and be surrounded by coworkers who on the most part I like. Its insanely hard work, but at the end of the day I'm a million times happier.

I spent many a good night with friends. Which always are high points for me in any year. I thank everyone who has been there for me this year. Everything you had said and did meant the world to me, honest. I wouldn't have been able to get through everything without you.

And...a quick top lists of the year:
Music album: In the Reins by Caleixco and Iron and Wine
Movie: Walk the Line
TV: Criss Angel Mindfreak (well...Rome actually, but this was the show I was most excited to see every week)
Knitting: Lace (it was the year of lace shawls, I can't get enough of the damn things!)
Yarn: Schaefer yarns Anne

This has been one of the worst years of my life, and I'm amazed everyday that I survived it. Sometimes, it feels like I barely did, but I did.
Even though the new year will be sad, I am looking forward to it with hope. I'm hoping I can patch things up with my remaining family, I'm hoping I can be less annoying to me significant other, I'm hoping I can be a better friend, and I'm hoping I'm at least sort of happy most of this year. Or content, I'd settle for content.

Oh...and Vegas....have to do that again in 2006.

Have a happy and safe New Year everyone! I hope to see you all in 2006!