aponia

Hey kids.

I'm pretty much done Christmas shopping. I still need gift bags, but other then that I'm done.

I guess I should be happy and excited but I'm really not. I think the closer we get to the holiday the sadder I get. I've just been so busy the rest of the month I haven't had time to think about it.

I had this thought today that my mom is really gone, she's dead and not coming back. I mean, I knew all this information, but it just never hit me like that. And it felt just like a punch to the gut. And ever since I had that thought I've just been filled with this insane sadness. When things happen to me I usually go into a sort of shock, I guess this is just me dealing with what most people felt at the funeral.

I hate to be a bummer, since I know this is the time of year I should be festive and jolly, but I just can't. I just can't imagine this holiday without her. She was always my favorite person to shop for. I knew that not matter how inexpensive the gift was she would have loved it. I had an irrational thought of buying something for her anyway, but stopped myself. Since I'm sure that would have just made me feel worse.

I still can't even think good thoughts about her without crying. Which just sucks....I want to think about her. I want to remember her voice and her eyes, but I just can't.

I don't know...I guess its just been a bad day.