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aponia

New Jersey born and raised!

Member Since 2004

Followers 49 Following 63

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Sunday Dec 18, 2005

Dec 18, 2005
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Hey kids.

I'm pretty much done Christmas shopping. I still need gift bags, but other then that I'm done.

I guess I should be happy and excited but I'm really not. I think the closer we get to the holiday the sadder I get. I've just been so busy the rest of the month I haven't had time to think about it.

I had this thought today that my mom is really gone, she's dead and not coming back. I mean, I knew all this information, but it just never hit me like that. And it felt just like a punch to the gut. And ever since I had that thought I've just been filled with this insane sadness. When things happen to me I usually go into a sort of shock, I guess this is just me dealing with what most people felt at the funeral.

I hate to be a bummer, since I know this is the time of year I should be festive and jolly, but I just can't. I just can't imagine this holiday without her. She was always my favorite person to shop for. I knew that not matter how inexpensive the gift was she would have loved it. I had an irrational thought of buying something for her anyway, but stopped myself. Since I'm sure that would have just made me feel worse.

I still can't even think good thoughts about her without crying. Which just sucks....I want to think about her. I want to remember her voice and her eyes, but I just can't.

I don't know...I guess its just been a bad day.
shadyvito:
Remember that she will always be with you wether it's Christmas or just some ramdom Monday night. I understand that it's gonna be rough, but try and celebrate her life. Most of what you know, how you act, and how great you are to people is her in you. She's alive in you and will be in your kids and grandkids. She'll never really be gone. It's gonna be a tough Christmas, I'm not gonna lie, but she's gonna be there with you.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas sweetie.
Dec 19, 2005
apocalypse_dude:
kiss
hope you like your early x-mas gift
Dec 19, 2005

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