aponia

I'm in a foul mood. I probably shouldn't even be journaling.
As my mom has told me, and I agree with her, I always get moody around my birthday. I don't think its about anything having to do with friends remembering or gifts or anything, its mostly to do with getting older. I even had this hang up when I was a teenager. I look back at the previous year of my life, and I just see these giant gaps. Things I should have done, stupid things I did do. So I demand so much from myself, I don't get anywhere, and I'm bummed during the days leading up to the start of my next year of life. Its been something thats been going on for 28 years, soon to be 29.

So I feel anxious, and annoyed. I'm not happy with where I am right now. I wish I had more money. I wish I accomplished more. I wish I had more to show at the end of the day then a headache and a twitchy eye. Sure, in some cases I set myself up for failure, but overall, something good should have happened, right? All I see is speed bump after speed bump. How many more years of this do I have? Is this just my shitty lot in life?

I would like to get away for my birthday. I need a vacation, more then I think I've ever needed anything in my life. Even a weekend away. But its not going to happen. I can barely pay for groceries, let alone a trip. And its making me seriously depressed. The same old same old is really affecting me mentally..I can't take it. I feel trapped. God...I haven't even been drunk in a month....and I can't even begin to describe how much I wish I was. All the time. Well, some of the time at least.

And Halloween...my favorite holiday...I'm just not feeling it this year. I was, when I still had these crazy Halloween-related plans, but when reality set in they kind of disappeared one by one. And now...eh. It can come and go, I really don't care.

Sorry for the depressing post. Its just been how I've been recently. Its constantly raining, I'm under constant stress, and I'm never really calm anymore. If thats not worthy of a bender to top all benders, I don't know what is.

And my fucking shoes got "forgotten" at a UPS station so now I'll receive them two days late. On the one damn day i'm not here. Normally I wouldn't care, but today, this is really pissing me off. I want to send them a nasty letter. Of course, this won't change anything, but it would make me feel better.

Hrm.

Positives:
- Got my bat buttons
- Trashe's party is coming

That's all I can muster.