so i read an essay that made me finally understand being and time. i did that on friday. it freaked me THE FUCK out. i'm not sure anyone else understands that.
i havent had a thing touch me like that in a forever long time. things don't dawn on me in such ways. but there i was, sitting in a bar, reading an essay that i should've read 5 years ago, and the things in sein und zeit hit me all unexpectedly. i think it was the author's take on it, combined with his interspersing of the latter heidegger's less instrumentalistic ontological stance on humanity. i don't know. but it gave me pause. all at once, i was sitting alone at the crap library in lagrange, reading alone at 3 in the afternoon, watching some kid play in the courtyard, reading some guy named Jaspers. reading him write about some garbage...
it hit me the same way. just all at once. and it scared me more than a little. because i've already run that path to the end. and i didn't like it. so i don't wanna go down it again. so its kinda like seeing a billboard or some such advertisement. for big lights, big thrills, etc etc. and i'm older now, and i've been on all the roller coasters and the like. i don't really care about all that shit anymore.
i'm not sure i know how to explain it without sounding ridiculously arrogant. i was really fucking good at what i did when i wanted to do it. when i had a spark. but all of that led me to become totally bored with what had previously provided me with so much. it was like breaking up with the love of my life--quitting graduate school. so now how am i supposed to go again?
but it is different because it is without the ego. but so it was supposed to be that time, too. the christian way. the way of the nieztchean christian--wanting nothing but the capability to sleep well at night. a quiet mind. and it doesnt work that well... not in practice.
so i am at a precarious point. and i kinda just wanna forget i read what i read.
i don't want to walk that path anymore, but i think i will, because i'm a sucker like that. so i guess i'm gonna buy that stupid book (first book i've bought in some 5 years), and i guess i'll go ahead and buy that other stupid book (last decent one i read), and i guess i'll read them both.
fuck me.
i havent had a thing touch me like that in a forever long time. things don't dawn on me in such ways. but there i was, sitting in a bar, reading an essay that i should've read 5 years ago, and the things in sein und zeit hit me all unexpectedly. i think it was the author's take on it, combined with his interspersing of the latter heidegger's less instrumentalistic ontological stance on humanity. i don't know. but it gave me pause. all at once, i was sitting alone at the crap library in lagrange, reading alone at 3 in the afternoon, watching some kid play in the courtyard, reading some guy named Jaspers. reading him write about some garbage...
it hit me the same way. just all at once. and it scared me more than a little. because i've already run that path to the end. and i didn't like it. so i don't wanna go down it again. so its kinda like seeing a billboard or some such advertisement. for big lights, big thrills, etc etc. and i'm older now, and i've been on all the roller coasters and the like. i don't really care about all that shit anymore.
i'm not sure i know how to explain it without sounding ridiculously arrogant. i was really fucking good at what i did when i wanted to do it. when i had a spark. but all of that led me to become totally bored with what had previously provided me with so much. it was like breaking up with the love of my life--quitting graduate school. so now how am i supposed to go again?
but it is different because it is without the ego. but so it was supposed to be that time, too. the christian way. the way of the nieztchean christian--wanting nothing but the capability to sleep well at night. a quiet mind. and it doesnt work that well... not in practice.
so i am at a precarious point. and i kinda just wanna forget i read what i read.
i don't want to walk that path anymore, but i think i will, because i'm a sucker like that. so i guess i'm gonna buy that stupid book (first book i've bought in some 5 years), and i guess i'll go ahead and buy that other stupid book (last decent one i read), and i guess i'll read them both.
fuck me.
geckogirl:
good thing you just won $20 
sinovia:
okay- i'm speachless. good luck with that encrypted shit!