I am a recovered addict. I never thought I would actually 1. live to see my 40's and 2. be able to say, "recovered addict". There are many controversial thoughts around "recovered" and what that means. I can only speak from my experience...
I started using food as a coping mechanism around the age of 6. I am a compulsive over/under eater, mainly over eater. This was the first addiction in my life and is the "thing" I still have a difficult relationship with from time to time. Food, for me, was comfort and knowingness. I was raised in poverty and lower middle class so food was something I used to help me to feel "OK" when my world didn't look so great around me. At my heaviest, I was 270 pounds, today I maintain right around 100 pounds of weight loss, which I am extremely proud of. I love being healthy today, physically, and being active in the gym lifting weights or doing cardio.
My next addiction was to men/romance. I realize now that I had a fantasy as a child of a whole other life that I could slip into (this is why Alice in Wonderland is my favorite movie of all time). So perhaps the addiction was really escapism, but isn't that really all addiction? I had crushes on boys starting at a very young age. A lot of this developed as a loss of strong attachment to my father and feeling lost because of the divorce between him and my mother. I have a journal that I can look back at now from 3rd grade and I just feel really sad for that little girl.
The next and most significant part of my addiction came when I discovered marijuana my freshman year of high school. This was following a sexual assault that happened the summer before that I never received help for (either professionally or from my parents). Now, I know that many argue that marijuana is not addictive... but it was for me. I picked it up and instantly loved the freedom I felt and the "I don't give a fuck" what anyone thinks about me attitude I felt I could have while high. Throughout high school I developed a big habit with marijuana, I did drink... but alcohol has never really been my thing. When I went away to college I had a goal to try every drug I could. I managed to do pretty good that first year... so good that I couldn't maintain my GPA and had to move home. This sent me spiraling and I went heavy into the clubbing and raver world. I ended up getting pretty hooked on cocaine, which lead to crack, which eventually lead to meth. During the time of my meth use I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. The addiction fed into all of that and after 3 1/2 years I ended up going to jail. I was spared from prison, thankfully, and jail really did save my life.
I was in my mid 20's at this point and made a "clean start". I ended up going back to school for my Associates Degree and then my Bachelors Degree. I got married and was trying live this life I was told was "normal". I went to 12-step recovery, was involved in a church ministry with my ex husband, and was miserable. I ended up relapsing on pain medication that was prescribed for the plantar fasciitis in my feet. I had a very difficult time calling it a full relapse and ended up going back to harder drugs while my ex husband, also a recovering addict, returned to drinking and his doc.
This was just after my 30th birthday, I had went to rehab for my 2nd time and knew something needed to change. I ended up leaving where I was living at the time to return home to the St. Louis area. This was the summer of 2011. I went through another "dark night of the soul" when I moved back. I got divorced, had a miscarriage, and was at the heaviest weight of my life. I got on some anti-depressants, started going to the gym, and began rebuilding my life.
I am currently 11 1/2 years without any of the drugs that sought to destroy me... and this is where "recovered" comes into play. I left the 12-step programs about 2 years ago. I began seeing a lot of limitations being in them and how there was no growth beyond a certain point. I also began to see just how much religion (which I was raised religious but gave that up a long with my addiction this time around in recovery) played a part in the guilt/shame cycle that I had felt trapped in my whole life. There comes a certain point that, if you really do "the work" you should be able to trust yourself... but that was never discussed in the program. It was always reliance on something or someone else.
Today I am pretty content with my life, even with all of its bullshit. I know that food, sex/men, or drugs is not going to make anything better. I have a ton of tools that I use now and healthy coping mechanisms (including modeling) to help me to feel creative, beautiful, and alive! I am very blessed to be here today, I didn't go into the deep pains of my story, because I don't need to. Addiction is terrible and will destroy anything in its path... I was fortunate to get out alive.
Moving forward my intention is to help people as much as I am able to while on this earth and to stay forever grateful for my recovery and all I have learned.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you are recovered, recovering, or addicted, please feel free to share with me as well. WE are better TOGETHER.
