apathy

I left as I usually left places, the geese where back in their V bombing formations, yelling the checkpoints as they flew past them and i took that as my cue, knowing little that some of them actually turned the fuck around and went back upon seeing their lakes and rivers still frozen.

I left without telling anyone.
Without saying goodbye.
Wake up. Packsack. Go.

Small missions to wait for the sun and the snow i knew i'd hit to shrivel up and die.
This city, this arm-pit of the world, where there are too many real doctors and not one fake one, when it is the only thing I need, save for 2G spent in hindsight way too quickly. Which is maybe why I ran the way I did again. Drunken midnight car police evasions, warrant dollars rising, knocking off side mirrors and buying you drywall in small bags. Selling pot at 6a.m. to the hilariously random individuals who walk the city at that time.
Northern winds and northern skies that do not comfort but offer goosebumped solace from the inside of an old burned out squat. Goingunderhouse goes under.
Whats next after you said you'd never grow up but tripped over the truth anyway? Its just the absence of chaos and anarchy that flowed so freely through that city that became my home. Lessons in detachment and less familiarity to create new shapes are the theme for the year.

Parliament hill was decapitated security and a loving friend's couch from the same highway, who fed me like a mother but with the heart and words only a girl like she could. The kind of eyes that say I KNOW, there is nothing, but we are still here, and that in itself... I took little steps across the totempole like a wise little owl as ive learned the affects of the opposite before.
3 years ago I said as he at the same time said days. I dont even remember you, only flickers like a ghost youre never really sure was ever really there at all. That was long ago, eons have passed since then, whole galaxies have been created and destroyed, and compared to who came after you, you were snowhite in a fancy dress. I should have left with that desert rat in the back of the van with windows too high to see out of, me admiring her straight dash for the bush. Small doses, even I had advice for her panic.
I walked off the city bus with little dog in a side pocket and loitered until I found eyes like mine, except for the first time he spotted me first, I must have been screaming inside for that to have happend + we were mission friends just like that, me maybe a little more experienced with endings cuz i saw the hurt in him as I walked away without watching him go. I gave D-dog away. I got a dog for two reasons, and she only filled one of them. A dog who watches me get beaten multiple times I have no use for. Lessons in detachment I said as I got new puppy who almost severed my finger on the second day. Sometimes you get what you wish for.
Cross-antlantic airport security on buses, they find my POT but not my DOG. How reassuring. Maybe I will call him chainsaw just for that cuz the english kids can never pronounce his acquired name.
Skyscraper city and I always walk the same path. 3 street kids. You just watch the next short while, we wont be the only ones for long, I hear MTL is gettin crowded parks again. The streets minus just one girl, nobody noticing the change.
I meet her because she traps me, and me her. We look like we should be each others age so I know her life exactly, I am an amoeba and have had many lives on purpose. She embodies my all-time favourite things about canadian traveller kids. I can never explain exactly what it is. When we form packs time stands still, everything is gold. Why do people kill themselves? BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER ON BUSES. Iced tea, Cawliflower, and tackleboxes. Grains of salt. Goldfish memory span. Winter fuckin shit around in the end. There are few options, all of them either cabin fever or solitude. Like how puppies must feel when theyre finally all given away. Missing something but no longer remembering quite what.
All the days were grey, the day I gave my bunny away. I repeated, lessons in detachment, lessons in detachment. Red beating heart put her in his packsack as she was off to somewhere better that what i could immediately give her. I told him how it should go, and he agreed she is free the first chance he is in the area i requested. It was very grey for so long after. And very rainy and cold for long after. I am a girl. I cannot always deal in the moment with what is necessary so i create little girl backdoors to run out of, and could be found after that in all the usual city holes.
When we said "this too shall pass," together at the very same moment I almost wanted to keep you. Almost. I just enjoy running too much and people scare me away with their attempted mind domination tactics, was there already too many times before. I give you weeks when you admit yourself, days even. The streets minus just one boy, nobody noticing the change.