apathy

I steal books. The worst theif, no style or skills, I can offer no insight as to why Im never caught. Roaming the aisles looking at covers, boring boring. How do you find a good story? WHACK. A book falls on my head! Put it back in its place kinda annoyed. WHACK! Again! Dark little book. Title: Beautiful Losers. Is that supposed to be funny? Its jumping at me so thats the one I stick in my jacket. Ive read it all, and am left with no reason as to why it was so damm important to attack me. I saved it to read later... maybe at some other point it will have more relevance.
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Before I left... Heres a goodbye gift for you: my goofy friend handed me through the snow a stolen pink treasure. So you can take photos of your trip and create memories and get old and scrapbook! he jokes. Great.

He had eyes like mine but darker. I lost my head in the ewe es of aye.
I walk through bead-city with a half-used camera sitting in my pack and i take no pictures. I want to remember none of this, i can see through future events unfolding that I try and ignore.
Theres flowers as big as my head that i could wear as hats if i felt like it (and you better believe i did) with cats drinking water through shotglasses on bars i try to appreciate pretty things but turn my focus to cracks in pavement instead. I feel as though ive regressed and I stop to stare into the abyss thats inside everyone. I never thought i was running until that moment when I didnt have anything to quiet it with. This was something I told myself id never deal with again. I would run and jump and laugh and choose to feel none of that everever.
I took a deep breath of summer air goodbye everything i hope forgetting is easier than I know it will be.
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A pirate takes my hand and tells me not to leave. Promises of ink and makeshift comfort. I tell him im coming back but book it for the next car out of there. As if i havent already learned my lesson. Im sad I chose the ride rather than the deportation game. That would have been a fun ass day.
Drunk, I take the rest of my money to the corpse with sunken eyes and see sparkles and feelings fade away. Keep it going until i hit Canada again I decide. I spend the rest of the cash to feel nothing for miles and miles.
We stop at a gas station and I freeze up on the toilet. Wondering if im making the right decisions. Wondering if... Drama. "Your never going to see him again. Dont go all girl on me now" She says. I think i feel too much so I make the water go darker and im not even there on any sort of plaine anymore.
Everything about a town called Gary changed my aspect on despair. If Hexxus was a real aura, this is where it would live.
He said not to go this way, that it would make things worse. I wake up every few states to see her asleep at the wheel, always. It seems like she was nodded out the entire ride. I thank any car wreck situation that might come and end things while im asleep. I wake up for a moment to see we have travelled into snow. Fuuck. No no no!! Snow!!! She's asleep at the wheel again. I take my seatbelt off and let my eyes close.
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4 brothers, 1sister 10 years not seen.
I have littlte memory of being young and how it came to be that ways were parted
(fragments of light and broken lamps, drunk men and closed doors)
Through Quebec sky's id search faces on the street to look for any sort of familiarity. I sat in the damp putrid basement next to a bathtub full of bodily secretions of that old madhouse wondering if she had ever sat there too. Slept on the pavement of that park near the rain gutter and wondered if she had ever walked through that way. Looked around at punk shows to see if I had any angsty brothers. I was pissed at my sister for leaving me behind with all that mess. I dont care what life she went into afterwards, what could have been worse than what she left me in... at least we would have had each other.
I was almost glad when all that K mysteriously got into my beer. I saw his face through the crowd go blank and I couldnt move.
True to hypocrisy as anyone, Theres someone I have left behind in a mess all alone. Im not sure on what sort of courses of action to take. He sends me a message saying that the worst thing to have ever happend to him was me walking out. He has no one. Everyone in his life has stepped out on him. I feel as though he should not have to lose himself in filling that void later on like the millions of wanderers out there. And you should see this kid, what he see's that others dont.
I think even though ive taken opposite steps ive just retold it in another way. Always trying to find some-body/thing to fill that hole. Ashamed to admit how fucking textbook this piece has become. People are rickedy rotton crutches you shouldnt lean on even while falling.
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I dont waste time analyzing people, nobody should, brains are shapeshifting things.
I met the darkest blood at one point. I called him Satan for lack of anything more apocolyptic to attribute to his being. I was interested in him only in the same way your interested in watching venomous spiders suck the life out of their prey. Penis shits they all think your out to fuck them. Id watch him from a distance and the games he played with the world so self-entertained. One of the most interesting people ive ran into. Near the end, Satan schyzod and lost it. Shit is thrown and I sit not giving in. He tells me if he ever see's me again dwelling in a pool of shadows he will fucking slit my throat. He breaks. I watched the person with the highest walls break and shatter. I am a girl of not many words, if i could show you in the ways I cant I would. Overtime, I changed. The world was mine again.
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Yesterday I climbed a roof nyc style and stared at the ice floats breaking and the not-so-faraway mountains that look like people sleeping. It was cold and snowing and sunny and alone in a city makes it a playground. The big ass boats and the wide assortment of lost eyes that every waterfront attracts. The nightmares during every sleep are gone. I was happy to be in that air.
I am regrouping. Waiting to return.
I find solace in the thought that in 1 month, I will be in the northern forest again. I will wakeup at midnight to see light coming through my tent, and sit alone on a sand dune watching fireflies, falling stars, and northern lights dancing. This time, it looks like im not leaving.
Everybody falls off the edge of the world at one point.