anywayyouneedme

To be at peace would be a sin. Yeah... not that things are bad, but honestly... when the fuck will my brain allow me a day where I don't have to worry, don't have to analyze, don't have to wonder, don't have to think at all. I want to know what ignorance feels like. I want to know what it's like to NOT think. How much happier would I be if I was incapable of doubt? If I could take things as they were and go with the flow, what would be left to complicate my life? I never believed things could get better, and I'll admit now that I see that they can. But to what point, and when? Is this as good as it gets? And which is worse; the pity and disrespect that one with a simple mind recieves, or the aura of mystery and complication that comes with how I feel? Is my image ultimately more important than what I can give myself? Am I even capable of self-sufficiency? I don't know how much longer I can go depending on others to make me happy. How many dull days can pass before I go insane and find some way to prove that it's just a representation of me, myself? When will I know what I want? When will I learn from my mistakes? I can't even be sure that I'll come to a point where I don't change myself for others when I'm by myself. Where did all these ideas come from? Are they mine or did someone else put them there? Or did I take them? Do we all collectively share these ideas? Is the point of the struggle to interpret them based on one's surroundings? Based on one's predisposed brain chemistry? Based on all the broken synapses formed when you couldn't take it anymore? Or you tried to embrace it? At what point does idealism cease and allow one to lead a lifestyle that benefits them? Or is my idea of reality merely a collection of all the beliefs that have been fed to me, and no more realistic than this joke of a life I'm living now? It'd be nice if I knew how to end something like this, but the truth is that my brain doesn't shut off when one thought ends, because no sooner can I form a conclusion about one idea than does another hypothesis start to form, complicating things even more and making an ending to this fucking story nearly impossible.