anywayyouneedme

Well I tried to put a picture in this entry but... I suck... or ... yeah.. but that was my new years in a nutshell, and since you can't see it, you can go look at my pictures... Yeah so uhm... let's talk about last night. Last night I was thinking that this boy could be that boy that I've been telling myself I need... and we cuddled and I asked if we were allowed to have sex... which I'd like to briefly discuss before I proceed with my story... I ALWAYS assume that I'm not allowed to have sex with a guy... usually because he's got a girlfriend or there's some special fucking circumstance (ALWAYS) and I just... never think I'm allowed and I think that's why I always wait for a new guy to make the first move... which prolly... eh nevermind. But anyways, so he said we were allowed... but apparently I've earned myself quite a reputation and he requested I suck him off and he could fuck me later. So yeah, that's cool... blah blah... then Matt suggests a naked scavenger hunt. So he and I, Bryan, and the potential guy for me all strip down to our underwear (because god forbid the sober people use full nudity against us later ::cough cough:: pictures ::cough:: ) and go down to this evil dungeon/cellar thing and then get scared and come back up... oh wait I forgot to mention the bottle of brandy we killed before this... okay... so then we find a flashlight and decide to all go take a shower. Bryan didn't really want to, I guess... or was I supposed to be convincing him? I guess so... so he got in... blah blah we're all in there... Joe comes in and we all peek out and Pollock takes a picture, it's the most ridiculously adorable thing ever because we all look so childlike... we're like the fucking Brady Bunch (see pictures) ... and then there were three and the lights were out and then somewhere along the lines Matt got out... and... yeah, isn't this why I wanted Bryan in the shower in the first place? But... it was amazing... mmm really hot and really cold water... like... oh my fucking god. Fuck... then later we're out smoking and he asked me why I have sex with him and I told him that I didn't know... because it was fun? And I asked him why he has sex with me and I don't remember, he probably said he didn't know either, but he had to ask. And I was wondering too... so I don't know, after that I don't think our conversation was TOO productive but I came back inside feeling really bad... partially because I fucked things up with this potential whatever ... but I don't know what I mean to Bryan and I honestly don't know what he means to me. It's... I don't know. But later we went to sleep and he fucked me while I basically just layed there... on the verge of tears actually... and I don't know why that happened. I'm confused. Every little thing in my life is revolutionary right now in the sense that things are changing SO much, but it's like... it's okay. Even though it sucks because I'm hating everything about myself... because I'm thinking that I'll change those things... just because I've accepted the fact that I should. Things are fucked up but I don't care, and that's a first.