anyanka_____

I'm sobbing as I write this....L just left for good. As in, we packed up all his stuff and moved it out to his car, got him new tires and then we stood in the street and hugged, then he got in his car and drove away. It's so strange. I look at where all his things used to be, and they aren't there any more, and I just fall down in a little ball on the floor and cry. I know in my heart, I did the right thing for us...ending it. But I love him. I love him so much, and I didn't want to see him go. I hurt so much right now, and there seems to be no end to how many tears my body can produce for this boy. He was wonderful to me, and he clearly loved me, and I loved him...loving each other was never the problem. We took care of each other. It was like, we had the right love and friendship for each other, but the mechanics to it were a little messy sometimes and it couldn't have worked. At least, not right now. Maybe someday, but not now....
After I broke up with him that one day (I guess about a week and a half ago...)I left and went to my parents house to give the two of us some space. It was the only thing to do at the time really, we were both emotionally confused, angry, sad, devistated, depressed...all those things...I left and I stayed at my parents house almost every night...I only came over to my place when I had to get something I needed, or if he was too depressed to be alone, and I'd come be with him for a little and cuddle for a bit if he'd let me. Usually at that point he'd just lay there and seemed dead..so I would go back to my parents house. We'd talk on the phone for hours at odd times of the night or early morning, and I had gotten the flu so it wasn't helping me get better I'm sure, but I am glad we talked anyway....they were good talks. Even the fights were good, because we understood each other better in the end.
For about two weeks I had thought I might have been pregnant, I'm not as it turns out, but I didn't know for sure till the other day. So Christmas eve, I came over to the apartment and he and I spent time together. It was great, we just had fun. It was like it was back in the beginning, but it was our way or saying good bye. It was kind of bitter-sweet really. We had fun, but there was this feeling in the air we both knew that it was not changing the fact that he would be leaving in the next couple days, and that our time together was limited. The next morning, Christmas day, I went back to my parents house and opened presents. L was supposed to go to Virginia to be with his family on his dad's side and say good bye to them because they are moving to Boston. Apparently there was a miscomunication of sorts because he ended up not going. I stayed at my parents house that night and later L called me and said he would be moving out to Pittsburg the next day. So I woke up early and finished his good-bye mix tape and then I headed back to my apartment to spend my last few hours with L. I cried pretty much the whole day, on and off. We had a good last day though, we sat together and listened to music and reminissed about things, and laughed which usually turned into tears....then we decided to go to Virginia and get some things he needed, say good bye to his family for real and go to a movie, then we came back to the apartment and packed the rest of his stuff up and fell asleep. This morning, we got up and got his tire situation taken care of, and then we got some lunch, finished packing the car and then we said our final good-bye's and he drove away.
He's moving to Pittsburg, and it makes sense for him, so I'm happy for him. It's near alot of his friends and his mother lives there. There is a good music scene in the city, so if he ever decideds to be in a band again, he's got that, and there is a devision of his poker league there. He's got lots of things that make him happy there. Pretty much everything he loves is there, except me. But I chose this path for us, so I have to be strong. He will continue to be one of my best friends and I will always love him, no matter what else happens. He was a remarkable guy, and I will always treasure him. I hope someday our paths will cross again. I guess only time will tell on that one...This journal entry is dedicated to L...... Good-bye Babar!