SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Pursuit dissolves away. I'm thinking of what matters and how nothing has consumed me. Soft neutrality.
My rage is empty. My passion bleeds from my lifeless body. I think how easy it is to die. I wonder why I care about anything.
I love nothing. Pain was all I knew, so pain was all I gave. I'm no longer in pain but I feel little for anything. Apathy how tragic truth can be, that is if you feel tragedy. Without pursuit we are free but free doesn't mean a thing. I want only to survive, procreate and die. It is the natural course of all things.
We are but social machines programmed with ease, taught and believed. We listen to the television and our friends. The taboo that dying is wrong embedded in every aspect of life. Fight, fight, fight! I don't have to play your game and I don't want to.
A suicidal maniac trying endlessly to see why I shouldn't die here right now. I don't have a good reason for or against anything. True neutrality.
It gets boring, rather it gets lonely. I still feel, I just don't get caught up in trying to impress. True strength never needs to be expressed. Jealousy has been my greatest enemy, only because I refuse to express my feelings accurately. Vanity another sin of mine. "I got it, you want it" I'm a loner trying to socialize and it turns out poorly every time.
In a limbo of life. "I can't", "I won't", "I will", "I try" its endless. Its a shame I couldn't understand what all the misery was about.
I never believed in much of anything. Why cry, why be so upset? I thought I was worthless because I couldn't pursue this but I realized freedom is priceless. I'm free and I like to waste away between pursuit and apathy. Is it wrong of me to act like you? Or is it only a crime to tell the truth.
We are penalized for not acting in accord with our social groups. Be it friends, schools, governments or ourselves, who we battle the most. We are not individuals but a series of events, ideas, act and beliefs that have occured to us. We are predictable until the very end.
Its only tragic that I can't get over myself to see anyone else. I'm entertained but that doesn't mean anything. "I wish I felt comfortable being myself" how well I connect with everyone else. Do we all not cringe with some embarrassment at the thought of what we've been or done? We are not perfect so I express, I love everyone regardless.
<3 in nihilism
i been trying to nab some nude modeling gigs. but alas i am in cali-pornia in the HEART of the porn industry and peopel around here and just plain ass shady.
but i am trying. im scrambling. i got 2 weeks. i WILL pull through.
i know it.
Namaste<3