These are my deepest, darkest thoughts that have been living in my head like a parasite, devouring the happiness in every quiet moment and I need them OUT.
I think my daddy might be dying. He had diabetes, high blood pressure, emphasema and schizophernia. None of that is as important as that it seems like he's decided he's done with living.
I went to see him yesterday. I usually make it out to my hometown to see him about once a month. I call him at least twice a week. Which is to say we're moderately close. I love to surprise him, and rarely tell him when I'm going to come visit, as I love to see the look on his face when I show up out of nowhere. Yesterday when my fiance and I stopped by, my dad cried at first. They weren't really tears of happiness, but seemed more like tears of exhaustion and "Thank God" kind of relief. He looked awful. He told me he can't eat or sleep, and that he's had a terrible headache for most of the past week. During the 4 hours my boy and I were there, my dad sat in his chair, breathing the way I associate with extreme pain. He couldn't maintain a conversation, and when we did talk, he would look at us in a glassy kind of way, like he was trying to listen, trying to understand, but he just couldn't.
Most of the time we spent there was spent in silence. Most of the time that I was talking was spent trying to convince my dad to let us take him to the hospital. He refused, saying that there was nothing they could do for him there. We eventually talked him into letting us make a Dr. appt. for him for today, but the office was closed of course, and didn't have an answering machine to leave a message on.
While we were there he cried once more, and once asked in a heart-breaking kind of way if we would stay with him. He told us he'd stopped taking his meds about three days ago because they weren't helping anymore. His meds for the diabetes, blood pressure, and, most importantly, schizophernia (if he's off those meds, it becomes near impossible to get him back on them, or any other medication, or to convince him to seek any sort of help, as he starts to think that everyone is out to get him). He also recently cancelled his cable, and has apparently spent the last week just sitting in his chair, lost in his pain, doing nothing.
My dad is not a social person, especially since he stopped drinking four years ago (in addition to everything else, he's a recovering alcoholic). He has no hobbies and few friends. What he has is his kids. And 2 months ago, my sister, who's always been the daddy's girl, and has done a lot of taking care of my dad in the past couple of years, moved 7 hours away. Two weeks ago, my little brother, the last kid left living in the same town as my dad, had a falling out w/ him. I visit occasionally, but for the most part, my dad has no one now, and I think he's given up.
My mom thinks that it's his blood pressure that's giving him the headache, and that might lead to a stroke. My fiance thinks it's the diabetes, and that he might go into a coma. I don't think it matters. I think that if he doesn't get to the doctor today and decide that he's going to start taking aggressively good care of himself ASAP, he's going to die. And I don't know that there's anything I can do about it, short of disrupting my whole life to move back home and take care of him, and I am too fucking selfish to do that, as much as it pains me. I love my dad, but there are few things that get to me more than people who refuse to help themselves. I don't want my daddy to die, but I can't force him to live.
I know it's long and boring, but I needed it all out of my head.
I think my daddy might be dying. He had diabetes, high blood pressure, emphasema and schizophernia. None of that is as important as that it seems like he's decided he's done with living.
I went to see him yesterday. I usually make it out to my hometown to see him about once a month. I call him at least twice a week. Which is to say we're moderately close. I love to surprise him, and rarely tell him when I'm going to come visit, as I love to see the look on his face when I show up out of nowhere. Yesterday when my fiance and I stopped by, my dad cried at first. They weren't really tears of happiness, but seemed more like tears of exhaustion and "Thank God" kind of relief. He looked awful. He told me he can't eat or sleep, and that he's had a terrible headache for most of the past week. During the 4 hours my boy and I were there, my dad sat in his chair, breathing the way I associate with extreme pain. He couldn't maintain a conversation, and when we did talk, he would look at us in a glassy kind of way, like he was trying to listen, trying to understand, but he just couldn't.
Most of the time we spent there was spent in silence. Most of the time that I was talking was spent trying to convince my dad to let us take him to the hospital. He refused, saying that there was nothing they could do for him there. We eventually talked him into letting us make a Dr. appt. for him for today, but the office was closed of course, and didn't have an answering machine to leave a message on.
While we were there he cried once more, and once asked in a heart-breaking kind of way if we would stay with him. He told us he'd stopped taking his meds about three days ago because they weren't helping anymore. His meds for the diabetes, blood pressure, and, most importantly, schizophernia (if he's off those meds, it becomes near impossible to get him back on them, or any other medication, or to convince him to seek any sort of help, as he starts to think that everyone is out to get him). He also recently cancelled his cable, and has apparently spent the last week just sitting in his chair, lost in his pain, doing nothing.
My dad is not a social person, especially since he stopped drinking four years ago (in addition to everything else, he's a recovering alcoholic). He has no hobbies and few friends. What he has is his kids. And 2 months ago, my sister, who's always been the daddy's girl, and has done a lot of taking care of my dad in the past couple of years, moved 7 hours away. Two weeks ago, my little brother, the last kid left living in the same town as my dad, had a falling out w/ him. I visit occasionally, but for the most part, my dad has no one now, and I think he's given up.
My mom thinks that it's his blood pressure that's giving him the headache, and that might lead to a stroke. My fiance thinks it's the diabetes, and that he might go into a coma. I don't think it matters. I think that if he doesn't get to the doctor today and decide that he's going to start taking aggressively good care of himself ASAP, he's going to die. And I don't know that there's anything I can do about it, short of disrupting my whole life to move back home and take care of him, and I am too fucking selfish to do that, as much as it pains me. I love my dad, but there are few things that get to me more than people who refuse to help themselves. I don't want my daddy to die, but I can't force him to live.
I know it's long and boring, but I needed it all out of my head.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
It's been two weeks since you posted this, so I hope things have gotten better and not worse. But what strength I have to offer is yours, if you need it.