antimony

i want to get married and have our little eggs-smooshed-together baby growing in me. i want to change my mind at the last minute as i'm having contractions and tell her i hate her for letting me have a baby. i want to change my mind again when i've got her (yes, the baby will be a girl. i will accept nothing else) in my arms.

not for a long time. but one day. maybe by that time we can get married. maybe by that time enough people will see that being in love with someone isn't wrong. isn't immoral. isn't disgusting and perverted and sending me to hell. it's just what it is. us.

our one year anniversary is in a little over a month. i feel like it's been my whole life. i could live a thousand lifetimes like this. even with everything.




cristina tried to paint me twice but it just wouldn't turn out right. we're going to try again later. i really liked the way the first painting was turning out but she didn't so she rubbed the whole thing out. oh, you artists and your perfectionist tendencies.

i didn't quit my job. i actually got granted leave so i can pick up where i left off when i come back after two months. i'm sad but i'm happy. i wanted to quit, really, just to be GONE and not have to think about it ever again. at the same time, i do need a job, and now i won't have to work my ass off trying to find one as soon as i get back from california. this means being less broke/in debt to the girl as i thought i'd be. yay?

everyone is getting homemade xmas gifts this year