Ever feel like you just need a friend?
Someone who will be there for you, even when you can't get/give them what they want?
It hurts sometimes, you know. To have people depending on you all the time. To be the one making the calls, finding the entertainment and to be totally alone at the end of the day.
To wake up with the expectations of the people you care about weighing on your soul. To battle ceaselessly for the well being of others and to give no thought to yourself. So sometimes it seems as though I act from selfish motives. I can't help that the only way I know how to help others is to force them out of inaction. Most times I bear the brunt of the anger for shattering self-delusions. My advice is often ignored even after it has been asked.
And the reward? A soul-crushing loneliness.
Despite the people that surround me, I am alone. This is probably true for everyone. It still does not make it easier to accept.
Somedays I just wish that I had a friend that I could not say anything to. Where words are unnecessary. Someone who won't ask what's wrong and will just hold on and be there. Someone who won't question my motives and will instead suggest a way around the things that I brutalize myself over everyday.
It's strange how words can carry so much weight. Love for example. It's a word I deliberately avoid using. There are many reasons. It's like a sickness... and just when you think you've cut out all the diseased portions of yourself you find the infection has spread. It seems easy to contain when the wounds are fresh. You simple pick the scabs, tear out a bigger chunk of your heart and tell yourself, "Well, that's the end of it now. I'm all better!". Yet when the scabs have scarred and the infection remains, you must tear open the old wound, bringing back the familiar ache. You must rip out a bigger piece and offer it to the fire. How long before there is nothing left but scarred tissue... mangled beyond repair?
I see my friends stuck in horrible situations... and I try to show them the way past it.
I myself am stuck. I care too much for them and I agonize over how to help, all the while feeding myself to the fire. I feel heartsick, like a terrible weight lay across my chest. I've stopped sleeping at night.. I sleep now during the day, when it is easier to wake alone. I stay up at night, trying to be a part of something and failing miserably. There are people I can't bear to look at anymore, it hurts me too much. With them I am short tempered, not because I might dislike them, but because it helps me to protect myself.
It is entirely like that this is a useless rant, but I think it needed to be put down.
Someone who will be there for you, even when you can't get/give them what they want?
It hurts sometimes, you know. To have people depending on you all the time. To be the one making the calls, finding the entertainment and to be totally alone at the end of the day.
To wake up with the expectations of the people you care about weighing on your soul. To battle ceaselessly for the well being of others and to give no thought to yourself. So sometimes it seems as though I act from selfish motives. I can't help that the only way I know how to help others is to force them out of inaction. Most times I bear the brunt of the anger for shattering self-delusions. My advice is often ignored even after it has been asked.
And the reward? A soul-crushing loneliness.
Despite the people that surround me, I am alone. This is probably true for everyone. It still does not make it easier to accept.
Somedays I just wish that I had a friend that I could not say anything to. Where words are unnecessary. Someone who won't ask what's wrong and will just hold on and be there. Someone who won't question my motives and will instead suggest a way around the things that I brutalize myself over everyday.
It's strange how words can carry so much weight. Love for example. It's a word I deliberately avoid using. There are many reasons. It's like a sickness... and just when you think you've cut out all the diseased portions of yourself you find the infection has spread. It seems easy to contain when the wounds are fresh. You simple pick the scabs, tear out a bigger chunk of your heart and tell yourself, "Well, that's the end of it now. I'm all better!". Yet when the scabs have scarred and the infection remains, you must tear open the old wound, bringing back the familiar ache. You must rip out a bigger piece and offer it to the fire. How long before there is nothing left but scarred tissue... mangled beyond repair?
I see my friends stuck in horrible situations... and I try to show them the way past it.
I myself am stuck. I care too much for them and I agonize over how to help, all the while feeding myself to the fire. I feel heartsick, like a terrible weight lay across my chest. I've stopped sleeping at night.. I sleep now during the day, when it is easier to wake alone. I stay up at night, trying to be a part of something and failing miserably. There are people I can't bear to look at anymore, it hurts me too much. With them I am short tempered, not because I might dislike them, but because it helps me to protect myself.
It is entirely like that this is a useless rant, but I think it needed to be put down.