A letter to her that I will not send.
Heidi,
Im angry because you pursued me relentlessly and told me you wanted me to be your boyfriend.
Im angry because I learned you did that with others while we were still together.
Im angry because you lied when you told me you werent attracted to men I later learned you screwed.
Im angry because I cant tell you how angry I am.
Im angry that it makes me hurt when I see, hear or write your name even when it isnt you whos being refered to.
Im angry that you led me to believe you wanted a life with me.
Im angry that I cant just come over your place when I feel like it.
Im angry that you would probably let me if I wanted and that I have to resist.
Im angry because I cant talk to you.
Im angry because Im lonely and you have several lovers vying for your attention.
Im angry that I dont know exactly when you began disregarding my feelings.
Im angry that I dont know what things you said were true and which werent.
Im angry you never tried.
Im angry I liked you so much in the beginning or was so excited that someone attractive and interesting wanted to spend time with me that I ignored warning signs.
Im angry it took 5 years to find someone so easy to be around and Im afraid it may be even longer until I do again.
Im angry I fell in love with you.
Im angry because I dont have a crush on anyone right now.
Im angry because I havent been happy for months.
Im angry I cant just make things right.
Im angry when strangers in stores or on the street tell me to smile.
Im angry that you are having fun and not suffering like I am.
Im angry that Im jealous of whoevers in your life now.
Im angry that when I suggested that you take some time to be single, you emphatically said you didnt want that and were happy with our relationship.
Im angry that I believed for so long that you loved me.
Im angry I havent moved on.
Im angry that I'm crying now.
Im angry because I can never have a truly honest conversation with you.
Im angry because I have to avoid you.
Im angry that it hurts when I see things you would like or be interested in or when I hear someone else talk about them.
Im angry there are so many of those things.
Im angry that I dont have someone telling me that Im sexy.
Im angry I shared so many personal secrets and fears with you.
Im angry that I dont really know you at all.
Im angry because others knew about your behavior before I did.
I'm angry because I don't have anyone to physically comfort me right now.
Im angry I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you.
Im angry because I will never know how you really felt about me.
Im angry because I still think of you.
Heidi,
Im angry because you pursued me relentlessly and told me you wanted me to be your boyfriend.
Im angry because I learned you did that with others while we were still together.
Im angry because you lied when you told me you werent attracted to men I later learned you screwed.
Im angry because I cant tell you how angry I am.
Im angry that it makes me hurt when I see, hear or write your name even when it isnt you whos being refered to.
Im angry that you led me to believe you wanted a life with me.
Im angry that I cant just come over your place when I feel like it.
Im angry that you would probably let me if I wanted and that I have to resist.
Im angry because I cant talk to you.
Im angry because Im lonely and you have several lovers vying for your attention.
Im angry that I dont know exactly when you began disregarding my feelings.
Im angry that I dont know what things you said were true and which werent.
Im angry you never tried.
Im angry I liked you so much in the beginning or was so excited that someone attractive and interesting wanted to spend time with me that I ignored warning signs.
Im angry it took 5 years to find someone so easy to be around and Im afraid it may be even longer until I do again.
Im angry I fell in love with you.
Im angry because I dont have a crush on anyone right now.
Im angry because I havent been happy for months.
Im angry I cant just make things right.
Im angry when strangers in stores or on the street tell me to smile.
Im angry that you are having fun and not suffering like I am.
Im angry that Im jealous of whoevers in your life now.
Im angry that when I suggested that you take some time to be single, you emphatically said you didnt want that and were happy with our relationship.
Im angry that I believed for so long that you loved me.
Im angry I havent moved on.
Im angry that I'm crying now.
Im angry because I can never have a truly honest conversation with you.
Im angry because I have to avoid you.
Im angry that it hurts when I see things you would like or be interested in or when I hear someone else talk about them.
Im angry there are so many of those things.
Im angry that I dont have someone telling me that Im sexy.
Im angry I shared so many personal secrets and fears with you.
Im angry that I dont really know you at all.
Im angry because others knew about your behavior before I did.
I'm angry because I don't have anyone to physically comfort me right now.
Im angry I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you.
Im angry because I will never know how you really felt about me.
Im angry because I still think of you.
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On an unrelated note...
wanna be in a scene at the Unurban this Sunday night? It would only be extra work but it might be fun for you to get out of the house for an evening and hang out with me and Blue and Rook. We're on nights on Sunday and I could use you from 6 PM to midnight if you were available. If that doesn't work for you, then we'll find another time - hell, we shoot for 5 weeks so there should be plenty of opportunity.