I'm gonna see just how long I can stay awake tonight. Instead of being up since 9 o'clock yesterday morning like I had planned (I got up and realized my Everyday Italian wasn't on the food channel so I went back to sleep) I actually started my day at 3 in the afternoon.
What a waste of a day. Seriously, here it is 12 hours later and I have accomplished absolutely nothing.
Rather than call the local VW dealership to complain about my car, I watched TV.
Rather than study for a quiz on Thursday, I played Civilization: The Boardgame for 6 hours at a friend's house.
After that, I went over to KC's to retrieve my car after we played some XBox. Suprisingly enough we got my car to work and I drove around this shit hole of a town for forty minutes listening to the Misfits.
I'm not really that tired, I just have nothing to do right now except ramble on and on in this journal.
Because I'm too predictable, you know that some space will be occupied with comments about ladies. I hate them. Seriously, I really do. First off (which is a horrible transition), I fucking hate my ex...she really tore me down on EVERY level during our break up. I'm not the kind of guy to be oozing with confidence in the first place, but when she and I were still dating, I had maybe a level of 8/10. Now I'm back down to 3-4/10. She pretty much ripped what I like to do with my spare time, my rather militant sXe beliefs, my pessimism, my goals, the ideologies I live by, my introversion-- everything. So needless to say, there isn't any confidence since all was shot to pieces.
Because I'm introverted (yes I am a member of that group here on sg) I'm not that outgoing, thus eliminating the amount of girls I come into contact with. The only girls I do see are the ones at college, either walking by me or in my classes. Furthering the limited options is the fact that I'm a history major-- let's just say it's not the most "attractive" crowd to be around.
Now we have narrowed our spectra of girls to those who register as classmates. Jaleen was just stupid. I think I took too much time in Humanities mentally tearing her down (based on her poor clothing selection (puffy coats??)) and her consistent absenses. Every once in a while I'll catch her looking in my general direction during class, but I'm done with her.
Then there's Jaime from History 151. She too barely shows up for class which really fucking irritates me. For the past week I've been pumping myself up to talk to her, to ask her out for tea and conversation, but to no avail. It's starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Like I always have done, I'm starting to (poorly) analyze the signs-- is her not showing up for class some sort of signal to me that she's not interested?
I'm concentrated on Jaime right now but the semester is over next week. I leave for Seattle this Thursday night until Sunday, so even if Jaime would accept my tea and conversation offer, there is very limited time to get to know each other.
There is also the outside chance that something between Millie and myself happens. We were best friends in high school but I secretly loved her, and told her so right before college started. We drifted apart until recently when I called her out of the blue. We've talked a couple times but strangely enough the phone calls have stopped. Over Thanksgiving Break I tried to reach her a couple times but I kept getting her answering machine. She returned a call but I was away from my cellphone at the time. Nothing since.
...
So if nothing happens between Jaime and me (which I'm expecting), I have come to a conclusion for next semester. If I fail in my attempts with the opposite sex three consecutive times, I'm "calling it quits." It's just really fucking nerve wracking to live from one massive failure to the next.
My brain hurts and so does my back from hunching over a table for six hours last night.
"Aaaaaarrrgggghhhhh"
What a waste of a day. Seriously, here it is 12 hours later and I have accomplished absolutely nothing.
Rather than call the local VW dealership to complain about my car, I watched TV.
Rather than study for a quiz on Thursday, I played Civilization: The Boardgame for 6 hours at a friend's house.
After that, I went over to KC's to retrieve my car after we played some XBox. Suprisingly enough we got my car to work and I drove around this shit hole of a town for forty minutes listening to the Misfits.
I'm not really that tired, I just have nothing to do right now except ramble on and on in this journal.
Because I'm too predictable, you know that some space will be occupied with comments about ladies. I hate them. Seriously, I really do. First off (which is a horrible transition), I fucking hate my ex...she really tore me down on EVERY level during our break up. I'm not the kind of guy to be oozing with confidence in the first place, but when she and I were still dating, I had maybe a level of 8/10. Now I'm back down to 3-4/10. She pretty much ripped what I like to do with my spare time, my rather militant sXe beliefs, my pessimism, my goals, the ideologies I live by, my introversion-- everything. So needless to say, there isn't any confidence since all was shot to pieces.
Because I'm introverted (yes I am a member of that group here on sg) I'm not that outgoing, thus eliminating the amount of girls I come into contact with. The only girls I do see are the ones at college, either walking by me or in my classes. Furthering the limited options is the fact that I'm a history major-- let's just say it's not the most "attractive" crowd to be around.
Now we have narrowed our spectra of girls to those who register as classmates. Jaleen was just stupid. I think I took too much time in Humanities mentally tearing her down (based on her poor clothing selection (puffy coats??)) and her consistent absenses. Every once in a while I'll catch her looking in my general direction during class, but I'm done with her.
Then there's Jaime from History 151. She too barely shows up for class which really fucking irritates me. For the past week I've been pumping myself up to talk to her, to ask her out for tea and conversation, but to no avail. It's starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Like I always have done, I'm starting to (poorly) analyze the signs-- is her not showing up for class some sort of signal to me that she's not interested?
I'm concentrated on Jaime right now but the semester is over next week. I leave for Seattle this Thursday night until Sunday, so even if Jaime would accept my tea and conversation offer, there is very limited time to get to know each other.
There is also the outside chance that something between Millie and myself happens. We were best friends in high school but I secretly loved her, and told her so right before college started. We drifted apart until recently when I called her out of the blue. We've talked a couple times but strangely enough the phone calls have stopped. Over Thanksgiving Break I tried to reach her a couple times but I kept getting her answering machine. She returned a call but I was away from my cellphone at the time. Nothing since.
...
So if nothing happens between Jaime and me (which I'm expecting), I have come to a conclusion for next semester. If I fail in my attempts with the opposite sex three consecutive times, I'm "calling it quits." It's just really fucking nerve wracking to live from one massive failure to the next.
My brain hurts and so does my back from hunching over a table for six hours last night.
"Aaaaaarrrgggghhhhh"
Your introvertedness is just a result of your lack of confidence. It's hard to take severe criticism, especially from someone you care about, and it wreaks havoc on your self-esteem. The important thing to remember is that even though it may be personal, don't let it eat you alive. That means they've won and you let them.
All I can say to help you out is listen to some Hatebreed, or some other positive youth hardcore and perservere. I think I get a lot of my attitude from Hatebreed, with the aggressive positive outlook. It's confident and definitely assertive in "git'n 'er done."
[Edited on Dec 08, 2004 9:37AM]