I work for an energy company, full-time. This is the bill payer and the soul destroyer, however it is marginally more sociable than waitressing. I moved out when I was 17, I skipped the ‘gap year’ as constantly living paycheque to paycheque means I have never been able to get ahead of my rent, even by one month. This means no holidays and definitely no travelling as where would my stuff go? What about my car? My future? Ah. My future.
I study law, part-time. It is hard and it is constant. I’ll be done by the time I’m 24/25. I feel like my life is on hold until then, in the mean time I am just making sure I can survive until I qualify for a training contract (if I get one). Fear number 1: What if I have wasted the last 6 years of my life working for something that leads nowhere? I will have missed out on the golden years.
Fear number 2: Life ends at 30. I know a very large majority of my followers will disagree with this one but as explained before, I am killing time until I get my degree when I’m 25, I then have 5 years to develop a successful career and somehow fit in having a family. I know from my own family experience, there isn’t always room for both.
Currently, it would seem as though I have my fingers in all the pies which leads to Fear number 3: the fear of missing out. What if I was meant to be the girl that explores the world with nothing more than a backpack? I want to be that girl! But I have absolutely no fall back. If everything goes wrong, there is no one to bail me out and no ‘home’ to come back to.
I’ve thought a lot about giving up Suicidegirls recently (mainly for the sake of a boy) and I just cannot bring myself to do it. This community is the only outlet I have for the alternative world where I feel like I’m doing the right thing. If it takes off here, then it confirms to me that I am supposed to be doing more than a daily commute and this is my foot in, with a zillion beautiful girls stepping in with me.
On a lighter note, other fears include the ghost of the lifeless spider, currently lying on my bathroom floor, coming back to haunt me, also gazing into the garden at night to see a girl with long hair staring into my soul.
While I’m here, thank you all again for all of the love on my debut set. There have been new tattoos and new confidence since it hit member review and I will be shooting another one as soon as I have the dollar bills! (GBP in reality, but queen’s notes doesn’t sound as G).
Does anyone else fear the same things, or is just me being left in my own mind too long?
Anouk x
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
rjc813:
Some deep thoughts here! Life doesn't end at 30, in fact with people living longer these days and life expectancy increasing by a fair few years, 30 is in fact the new 18! The only difference is that you have had more time to experiment, experience and learn, you can then reflect on all this and decide in which direction you want to go. That is, if you indeed do have a choice or is life mapped out for you? I am a great believer in things happening for a reason, relying in that gut instinct which actually is the instinct that serves and protects you the best. That leads on to your degree. Law is a great subject to qualify in, ok you will be 25/26 but with that degree you can go into so many different fields. Trust me, I work in that area and it was the best thing I ever did and I have never looked back. It has opened so many doors and I have been lucky enough to so so much and impact positivity and quietly on so many people's lives. I'm glad SG has given you the confidence boost, you are adorable and what you do on here actually reaches out to so many people and you will not even know the impact you have on them, even by allowing them to be able to comment on your pictures and allow them to have the extra confidence themselves to feel comfortable to offer you advice and support. These seemingly little interactions from like minded people, most of whom you will never meet, may actually have a positive bearing on the pathway of your life in a way you would never have previously thought.
tbonestrange:
There's time. Whichever of your desires are most important to you will make themselves known in time.