anomaly11

slept most of yesterday away. ive been avoiding dave especially, and wenley called the boy on his phone and the house phone and he didnt take the call. he was napping, but he mentioned something about not being impressed by her behavior. we went out to a bar at which slatzor's soon-to-be ex-roommate works on thursday nights, it was awkward as the boy and i rode in the bakery van with dave. i just sat in the back and sang to myself. then i called jay, he was at alchemy with beth and one of the swathsters and he told me that ben was there. he was going to have another drink and then go talk to him, i told him to report back to me. i really think its been good for me to correspond with ben, even though hes still being wimpy and inconsistent with it, but when jay told me he was there, i was like 'oh really?' instead of feeling like something had just super-novaed in my chest. of course i wanted jason to make (very minor) trouble, just because im like that, but it was mostly just a function of my intensely curious (ok nosey) nature and penchant for harmless naughtiness. the boy suggested that jay ask ben if hed sent my xmas present yet, and if he said 'no', say 'alright step outside' and start a fight. which gave me the lovely mental image of the sheer ridiculosity of ben and jay trying to fight each other. i called jay back just to tell him that because it was so funny, and he said "baby if i was ever capable of fighting someone, im completely not now since i went to california and became a hippie." and then he said " baby, that wouldnt even work, wed just end up hugging each other and crying." which is close to the truth. my other thought was that they both might just run away in opposite directions and then hold rock themselves in the fetal position. ah, nancy boys, i love them so.

slatzor and i had a smoke and a talk outside the bar, i filled her in with the latest update. she agreed that it seems like wenley is going a little out of her way to prove how free she is, and being hurtful and disrespectful to me in the process. its really a shame, because the whole reason i backed off (meaning i didnt get the girlfriend that i wanted, OR the lovely sex, plus that left her even more free for dave....wah.) was to try to salvage some sort of further relationship so that after this became less acute for me she and i could be intimates again, but at this point, i dont even want to hang out with her. bleh. im slightly worried that theres something im missing, and by telling everyone my story, and having them all agree with me, im really gossip mongering about some grand misunderrstanding. but, whatever, i hardly care anymore. slatzor wants me to go to the playa with her this weekend, i think that would be really good for me but i have a photoshoot and theres a party at the castle up the street and i want to be around water and vegetation for the equinox. slatzor also offered the the possibility that her most recent ex, for whom she moved here from nyc, is gay. meaning, more gay then he allows himslef. it may be true, i wouldnt be surprised at all. its a weird situation because i really love him and he was ben and my newbie playa daddy just as slatzor was our playa mommy, plus he took such great care of me when i was travelling with kyrstyn and she dumped me and i missed my flight home, but he really screwed slatzor over so im not sure what to think. i think mitten is right, she is the only person whose opinion matters and my set is never going up. anyway, slatzor and mangrove and his huge hell hound and i all went to the little gay bar where adrian and d spin to try to conduct nefarious business. we hung out on the patio and talked a bit, they didnt want to stay long, and there was a cute dykey chic that i made eye contact with. then she asked if i needed another drink, so i said sure. she brought me a beer, sat next to me, leaned in, and then we were kissing. it was great but i was kind of startled by the situation, so basically i just ignored her and she left with the man she was hanging out with. it was weird and confusing, but made me feel pretty cool, my life can definitely use more 'girl buys me drink, makes out with me, leaves' stories, although 'with me' after the 'leaves' might be even better. i have a fantasy that someone will write missed connections messages about me on craig's list, maybe i should do a search. i need to quit smoking, and loose a lot of weight. looking at my modeling work from a year ago makes me really sad, i feel so flabby and dumpy comparatively, and whenever i talk to a photographer i feel like im committing false advertising by referring them to my portfolio with older thinner pictures. i cant wait to see our family pictures from larry utley, that night went so well until wenley decided to get lost in dave's bed. well for me, anyway, im sure it just got better for them. theres a new girl that i met on friendster, she just moved here and wants to drink with me, but im afraid to bring her here lest dave trips and his penis falls inside her. im excited about the equinox, i want to do a special alone and then with the boy spiritual refreshment.

3 things (as suggested by dhamiboo)
1. strange cute girl buying me beer and kissing me.
2. talking to jay and not being upset about ben.
3. get slatzor time and emotional validation.

man, i need my own computer.