i think i need a vacation from life.im wondering if there are any friends around that i could stay with for a week or so. last night was a friday the 13th past life party, i went as mata hari, though i was somewhat uncomfortable with the arrogance of that all night. wenley and dave were being very playful with each other, which was very hard for me to watch. and then during the party after id completed my bartending shift, she and i started kissing, and she looked and felt and tasted so good, all of the memories of the sex wed had in the past flooded me and i realized how much i missed that and connecting with her. she stopped to ask if us kissing was ok, since we never really talked about what was going on, i just tried to ignore her. it ended up precipitating a talk that went on for hours, through various rooms of the party that ended with the resolution i knew it would, shes unwilling to make any compromises, and im unwilling to let myself fall for her anymore knowing that i'll end up being hurt and rejected again. i wish i could always practice what i preach and accept everyones different variations of love and not be hurt or feel slighted by it, but its not always the case. that is something id like to work on though. anyway, now im really sad, i dont want to see her because i want her too much, its her birthday on monday and im not sure how im going to handle that. i dread the days ahead when she comes over to spend the night with dave and i lie in bed awake, knowing what im missing. i want to escape this whole incestuous world for awhile. i feel as usual that im the one that both instigates a series of events and am the only one that cant really deal with how they unfold. i hate being in that position, the bitch that prevents everyone from achieving my own ideal of love, family, community. with kyrstyn and ben i tried to remove myself, but i felt so lonely and hurt, i think i retreated hoping that they would both run after me saying 'no, we want you here too' which they did, sometimes, and sometimes they barely noticed due to theyre intense focus on one another. and now there is a whole household that is being affected by the fact that i want too much, ive always wanted too much. so maybe ill find a place to convalesce for a week or so, and just leave everyone else to do what they will. they will anyway, i can only affect my own actions, and it might be healthier for me to just remove myself from the mix. i really miss the love i used to have. 