anomaly11

i wish my sister was here. im so used to her presence, loyalty, support, love, admiration, scolding, and accurate memories of all of my exploits. its not as interesting writing here as it is telling her about my life and getting the pretend-horrified response of "SISTER!"




another intense, insane confusing weekend. i dreamt last night about a tall castle like house, my housemates and i lived there and a bunch of other people were visiting from out of town. maybe it was my birthday or something. anyway, this situation turned into a three or so day orgy, everyone was bed hopping and recombining in interesting groups. at one point that whole household was naked and writhing on this stone porch area and then a host of smiling elderly people kind of floated down to watch. there was another part where i was living in my mom's house and had to rekindle something with the troll, its always strange when i dream about that, i think the break up with ben caused my mind to dwell on how bad it was before him.

the orgy dream im sure was a result of the happenings of saturday night. after a fairly sadate day i got a surprise call on my cell phone from heidi, a beautiful art student i bummed a cigarette from outside of the boy's school one day about a month ago. she asked me if i knew about the event/club/party scene here and then asked for my number so we could hang out and i could tell her what to show up to. so i had practically forgoten about her and she calls and asks what im doing that night. luckily i had a fetish photography opening at one of the local fetish shops and a couple of parties in the east bay to choose from, one of which involved a fire fountain called egeria. so we agreed to meet at the fetish shop and proceed from there. the boy and i had a fight and so spent the first 20 minutes or so outside the store discussing things. we reached an agreeable stopping point just as heidi showed up. she looked better than i had remembered and we went in to look at the great photography, drink free sparkling wine, and listen to the music that was being spun by my hedwig-esque friend adrian and his partner dee. of course i got somewhat drunk and ended up making a fool out of myself, i had been corsetted into this beautiful patent leather red and black piece with a wicked collar and i was waiting for the boy to come back from his cherry clove hunt so he could see. i was sticking my head out the door chatting with the smokers and there was this horrible ringing coming from inside that wouldnt stop. it turns out it was me leaning on the doorbell. the fancy corset ladies that worked there started unlacing me shortly after that. i was wearing my sg tank for the first time, with these incredible rockstar pants, in an attempt to impress heidi whose studying to be a fashion designer. anyway, after i accosted the photographer with my card we got picked up and driven to berkeley for a burner birthday party. the fountain was amazing, and i got drunker and then wenley and charlie showed up and heidi had her first glimse of the weirdness and dynamics of our life. we ended up leaving en masse, returning to the studio with some boxes of liquor that had been in storage, turning on the music and jumping in the hot tub. things got completely nuts after that. i got way too drunk and way to shy, i assumed that heidi was straight and could barely bring myself to talk to her, thereby completely missing my chance. so dave ended up escorting both her and wenley to my room and having sex. obviously im not overjoyed by this, im having a lot of negative feelings about myself and people in general right now. my boy ended up falling out of the window while he was doing one of his naked monkey stunts, but he landed on his feet, somehow and is just bruised and scratched. i am covered with abrasions, im the worst model ever, gaining so much weight and then constantly injuring my body.

anyway, i passed out and woke up and realized what had happened and was fairly shocked and somewhat impressed by the ability of dave to fuck every girl except one that i've ever brought to the studio. i think i was hoping heidi would be a nice distraction to raise my spirits about my relationship with wenley not working out the way i was hoping, but instead that both fuck each other and my housemate while im a sloppy naked mess.

so dave and i had a very long talk last night which was very good, and we decided that wenley shouldnt come to the studio for a little while. this is just all too painful for me, but i know that if i dont distance myself now it will be much worse for everyone later, and i dont want her to end up resenting my feelings for her. im not exactly sure what to do about heidi, right now i just feel like burrowing into a cave and not dealing with anybody. and i have this persistent and unshakable feeling of guilt and minor self-loathing. like if i wasnt such a fuck up i wouldnt get myself into situations like this and people would want to be with me anyway.