i'm begining to wonder if this mad spiral of events and activity will ever end. is it possible to die from too much fun, too many experiences, growing and learning and laughing too fast? last night was the first night in over a week that i didnt go to any events, we had tickets to a sex-oriented fetish party but with no easy transportation, and being as drained as we were, i opted for passing out on the couch instead. j and beth left last night, and though i love them both, in some ways it was a relief to see them go. having guests, especially for an extended amount of time is a lot of responsibility, i constantly felt like their emotions, experiences, and fun were totally up to me. not to mention several strange dynamics that arose, beth casting off her east coast semi-prudishness and getting sexually involved with all of my male housemates to one degree or another, j being afraid of disrupting the relationship between me and the boy, both of which left me feeling a little lonely and uncared for. i guess im just being selfish and petty, but they came here to visit me, and of course the city, and it seemed like beth's attentions were everywhere but me and j's were either on beth or he was shy and hiding in a corner. although, the last couple of days got better, at least with j, and while the sexual experience that i was hoping for with him and the boy didnt end up happening, i am secure again that he loves me, misses me, wants me. he was the perfect rebound east coast boyfriend, and i really want to stay friends and lovers with him for a long time.
on friday i had an interesting fungal experiences. the east coasters, the boy, and two other housemates piled into one of the many broken down truck/vans around here and drove up to muir woods, with a couple of quick stops on the way for ice cream, cider, and a hefty bag of mind expansion. we had a little trouble at the gate to the park, we hadnt factored in an admission fee and money is always an issue with all of us. the boy took his regular stance of "i have a mowhawk and a kilt, i look like i know what im doing, i'll just stroll on in" and he was followed by mi, my wonderful den mother housemate, but the rest of us werent as confident and so j ended up putting all our admission on plastic, which strikes me as ironinc, paying to walk amongst enourmous old redwoods with a credit card. we started along the trail and began dipping into the bag of shriveled cock looking magic from one of the boy's kilt pockets. soon enough i was giggling and feeling as light as a fairy, and started galloping down the trail with the rest diving out of my way. it was so beautiful, i couldnt help but hug and kiss and caress the trees, the rocks, the ferns, the slugs. many of the trees had little burrows in their trunks from fire damage or blight that had healed and it brought me back to pre-adolescence when i knew that supernatural creatures dwelled in those places. i lay down and caught a tree laced with cobwebs with the sun streaking through it, the patterns in the leaves seemed to convey deep connection and the spider's strings looked like suspended strands of tears. i started telling stories, of the places i've been, the people i've loved, and all the weird and funny things that have happened to me. i was lagging with j, after taking a break to pee, and suddenly we rounded a corner and my boy was 20 feet in the air, with a caught in the cookie jar expression on his face, clinging to an immature tree with mi standing below scolding him. he's such a monkey, i love it. we connected so deeply, watching the faces in the moss on the bark, seeing trees tha had grown together and likening them to ourselves, talking about the future, what wed do for each other, babies. it was incredible and i reached that place in me where i feel light and happy and free and loving for everything and everyone, even myself.
unfortunately, that didnt last. i had a job to do at the big fetish ball later that night, so we were under a time constraint which was a bad idea. as we hurried back to the truck, trying to maintain for the gaurds and families, i started to become very anxious, especially since the boys were all a-wander, making trouble , needing to be herded and scolded. in the back of the truck i started freaking out a little, feeling the built up worries of the past few weeks that everyone hates me, i dissapoint people, i never come through. my body image issues sprang up, and my disappointment in myself for being so half-assed, such a fuck up overpowered me. those last two hours or so were really hard, i needed to be professional and get ready for the fetish ball but i felt so nervous and incompetent and selfish. it made me realize two things, i need more balance in my life, a little more calm, a little more following through, and also, next time, dont have anything to do later, have time to wander and wait and play.
the fetish ball was semi-successful, i got paid for shining a little light, got free drinks, hung out with my photographer friend m, gave away cards, had my picture taken quite a bit, got to watch beth and my boy make out, got flogged by wenley in front of a crowd, got smoked up in a pink limo. (two limos in two weeks!) however i was so drained and anxious from the whole past week that i kept feeling like i was fucking up, i couldnt hold the light still, and now im afraid m is mad at me and thinks me terribly unprofessional, which would be true. i hate letting people down, yet i do it all the time and then feel terribly guilty. wenley spent the night but i was so cold and tired and somewhat drunk and drained, i fell asleep immediately. in the morning we had storytime, i got a little farther reading to her and the boy in even cowgirls get the blues, and then the boy and i fucked while i nuzzled against wenley and she stroked my hair. we both really like her, im hoping shell be my girlfriend, but im afraid to bring it up. shes so sexy and fun and super sweet and the way she looks at me makes me feel really special. not to mention that we feel so comfortable around her, i have no jealousy regarding her and the boy, and it feels like a family when we're together. plus i really like reading aloud to them when we are all naked in bed together. today is a big household photoshoot, to commemorate the albeit dysfunctional, but still beautiful family that weve become at the studio. i stumbled, unknowing into a wonderful thing, and while change seems to be in the air, it'll be really nice to have a record of the love that can abound here.
on friday i had an interesting fungal experiences. the east coasters, the boy, and two other housemates piled into one of the many broken down truck/vans around here and drove up to muir woods, with a couple of quick stops on the way for ice cream, cider, and a hefty bag of mind expansion. we had a little trouble at the gate to the park, we hadnt factored in an admission fee and money is always an issue with all of us. the boy took his regular stance of "i have a mowhawk and a kilt, i look like i know what im doing, i'll just stroll on in" and he was followed by mi, my wonderful den mother housemate, but the rest of us werent as confident and so j ended up putting all our admission on plastic, which strikes me as ironinc, paying to walk amongst enourmous old redwoods with a credit card. we started along the trail and began dipping into the bag of shriveled cock looking magic from one of the boy's kilt pockets. soon enough i was giggling and feeling as light as a fairy, and started galloping down the trail with the rest diving out of my way. it was so beautiful, i couldnt help but hug and kiss and caress the trees, the rocks, the ferns, the slugs. many of the trees had little burrows in their trunks from fire damage or blight that had healed and it brought me back to pre-adolescence when i knew that supernatural creatures dwelled in those places. i lay down and caught a tree laced with cobwebs with the sun streaking through it, the patterns in the leaves seemed to convey deep connection and the spider's strings looked like suspended strands of tears. i started telling stories, of the places i've been, the people i've loved, and all the weird and funny things that have happened to me. i was lagging with j, after taking a break to pee, and suddenly we rounded a corner and my boy was 20 feet in the air, with a caught in the cookie jar expression on his face, clinging to an immature tree with mi standing below scolding him. he's such a monkey, i love it. we connected so deeply, watching the faces in the moss on the bark, seeing trees tha had grown together and likening them to ourselves, talking about the future, what wed do for each other, babies. it was incredible and i reached that place in me where i feel light and happy and free and loving for everything and everyone, even myself.
unfortunately, that didnt last. i had a job to do at the big fetish ball later that night, so we were under a time constraint which was a bad idea. as we hurried back to the truck, trying to maintain for the gaurds and families, i started to become very anxious, especially since the boys were all a-wander, making trouble , needing to be herded and scolded. in the back of the truck i started freaking out a little, feeling the built up worries of the past few weeks that everyone hates me, i dissapoint people, i never come through. my body image issues sprang up, and my disappointment in myself for being so half-assed, such a fuck up overpowered me. those last two hours or so were really hard, i needed to be professional and get ready for the fetish ball but i felt so nervous and incompetent and selfish. it made me realize two things, i need more balance in my life, a little more calm, a little more following through, and also, next time, dont have anything to do later, have time to wander and wait and play.
the fetish ball was semi-successful, i got paid for shining a little light, got free drinks, hung out with my photographer friend m, gave away cards, had my picture taken quite a bit, got to watch beth and my boy make out, got flogged by wenley in front of a crowd, got smoked up in a pink limo. (two limos in two weeks!) however i was so drained and anxious from the whole past week that i kept feeling like i was fucking up, i couldnt hold the light still, and now im afraid m is mad at me and thinks me terribly unprofessional, which would be true. i hate letting people down, yet i do it all the time and then feel terribly guilty. wenley spent the night but i was so cold and tired and somewhat drunk and drained, i fell asleep immediately. in the morning we had storytime, i got a little farther reading to her and the boy in even cowgirls get the blues, and then the boy and i fucked while i nuzzled against wenley and she stroked my hair. we both really like her, im hoping shell be my girlfriend, but im afraid to bring it up. shes so sexy and fun and super sweet and the way she looks at me makes me feel really special. not to mention that we feel so comfortable around her, i have no jealousy regarding her and the boy, and it feels like a family when we're together. plus i really like reading aloud to them when we are all naked in bed together. today is a big household photoshoot, to commemorate the albeit dysfunctional, but still beautiful family that weve become at the studio. i stumbled, unknowing into a wonderful thing, and while change seems to be in the air, it'll be really nice to have a record of the love that can abound here.
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and unlike many other things about that night, i actually remember that.