there has been so much craziness, so much beautiful activity, so many emotional oscillations. im being haunted by ben, in my dreams, online, in my memories of the east coast and thinking about playa del fuego without me. its all so odd and leaves me with a dull ache, he never finishes our breif conversations, wont give me closure. is it so naive to continue to hope for an apology, maybe an explanation? what happened to that champagne we bought together in france, in epernay where we fucked in the bathroom above the cavernous cellars filled with drink? we were saving it, and in my fantasy mind it was for our engagement that never happened and never will. did he drink it with that girl he fell in bed with before he fell out of mine? did he hide it so i couldnt take it? i had a fantasy of sharing the bottle with him right before i left, toasting the end, and then flying 3000 miles away. what about my snakes? i worry about them and miss them so much, are they still at star's house? how could he move my pets to his girlfriends house without even telling me, how could he do that at all? what a slap in the face that was. and now the boy has to suffer my relationship residue, listen to me moan about what i lost and how it leaves me hurting and aching and confused still.
at least the boy's love is so good, i can see how much he is surprised by me and wants to hold on in the way he looks at me. it was his birhday this weekend, we threw him a pseudo-surprise double party, half at the studio with two hot tubs lots of drugs freaks of all different colors and shapes and a tremendous outpouring of love and sexual energy. there was an elaborate dance of housemate bed exchanges and old sparks finally had a chance to burn. it was fun and lovely and ridiculous and then we woke up, still drunk and drove to a tug boat for a day trip around the bay.
the natural beauty was stunning on monday, and we had food and friends and drink and music and a huge blue sky mirrored in the gentle green waves. T and I rolled around on the deck kissing and playing, the boys all watching, giggling and feeling the tickle of her curls. we bitched about playa del fuego, how it rained and rained and rained and we were blessed and beautiful on the bay with so much love. a wondrful group of women from the east coast happened to move at about the time i did, and we are all becoming closer and friendlier and happier. its so nice to have some female friends i can feel close too, and one that makes me blush and titter. the boy was magnificent, diving from the top of the boat, naked, into the cold bay, swimming to angel island and being brought a kilt after the ranger told him to "put your damn girly clothes back on". T and i fiended for a cigarette and when we finally found one no one on the island had a light. it turned lord of the flies in about 20 minutes, although this was the naked burner freak version. we pretend to be cave men and tried to make frire with drift wood and then i beat her over the head with a stick and dragged her off down the beach by her hair. i have to go entertain my ecbf (east coast boy friend) and beth, his friend that are visiting this week. she is certainly expanding her horizons, sexually, gastronomically, etc. ecbf has been shy and i havent really gotten to reconnect with him, which is too bad. i think being around the boy might just be too much for him, he doesnt want to upset anyone or cause trouble, but that ends up making me sad. oh well, off to be tourists......
at least the boy's love is so good, i can see how much he is surprised by me and wants to hold on in the way he looks at me. it was his birhday this weekend, we threw him a pseudo-surprise double party, half at the studio with two hot tubs lots of drugs freaks of all different colors and shapes and a tremendous outpouring of love and sexual energy. there was an elaborate dance of housemate bed exchanges and old sparks finally had a chance to burn. it was fun and lovely and ridiculous and then we woke up, still drunk and drove to a tug boat for a day trip around the bay.
the natural beauty was stunning on monday, and we had food and friends and drink and music and a huge blue sky mirrored in the gentle green waves. T and I rolled around on the deck kissing and playing, the boys all watching, giggling and feeling the tickle of her curls. we bitched about playa del fuego, how it rained and rained and rained and we were blessed and beautiful on the bay with so much love. a wondrful group of women from the east coast happened to move at about the time i did, and we are all becoming closer and friendlier and happier. its so nice to have some female friends i can feel close too, and one that makes me blush and titter. the boy was magnificent, diving from the top of the boat, naked, into the cold bay, swimming to angel island and being brought a kilt after the ranger told him to "put your damn girly clothes back on". T and i fiended for a cigarette and when we finally found one no one on the island had a light. it turned lord of the flies in about 20 minutes, although this was the naked burner freak version. we pretend to be cave men and tried to make frire with drift wood and then i beat her over the head with a stick and dragged her off down the beach by her hair. i have to go entertain my ecbf (east coast boy friend) and beth, his friend that are visiting this week. she is certainly expanding her horizons, sexually, gastronomically, etc. ecbf has been shy and i havent really gotten to reconnect with him, which is too bad. i think being around the boy might just be too much for him, he doesnt want to upset anyone or cause trouble, but that ends up making me sad. oh well, off to be tourists......
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you always have such good journals. You should come out to Karaoke on Sunday. It's at the mint.