anomaly11

i got in trouble for passing out post prom last night. after 3 or 30 drinks sometimes a girl just gets a little sleepy. im still embarrassed that i felt so compelled to comment upon the resemblence between fractal and sarah michelle gellar. except, and it goes without saying, fractal is soooo much hotter. maybe if i had gone with the sg's to the after party i wouldve gotten laid, although mayhem was definitely lots of fun. maybe sometimes its easier to deal with wishful what ifs than cold reality. thanks to ava, i can now cross riding in a limo off my list of things ive never done. unfortunately i was so occupied with cosmetics i didnt really get to enjoy it. why did we let the boys ride with us? i know its trite and cheesy, but i could really go for a back of limo sg group grope. everyone looked so beautiful. is anyone still in town? want to go to the lusty lady? want to meet this lusty lady? im wearing a ridiculous pink skirt that i bought at goodwill yesterday, i usually hate pink, but this skirt is so pink, i couldnt resist.

i cant get these sgs out of my mind. my head aches and im probably still a little drunk and all i can think about are naked breasts, exposed and yeilding, the tender bud of a nipple blooming under my teeth. why is it always so hard for me to find any girls that can tolerate me, much less agree to be my girlfriend. it always comes back to that, i love the excellent boys i've found, but im still always wanting, never completely satisfied without that deep feminine connection. who am i kidding, im just never satisfied.

i was so thrilled by the corsage the boy brought me, i adore cala lillies. they always remind me of france, when i was there with my mom and we drove along the riviera into italy. we stayed for a couple of days in antibes, an incredible small port town on the mediterranean. we passed a florist with a big bucket of calla lillies outside and my mother bought me a bouquet of about ten of them that i carried around all day because they made me happy. now whenever im in europe i have to have calla lillies. the best ive ever seen were in san francisco a couple of years ago, down by union square. they were called black calla lillies but were actually deep red, seeping almost into purple. very goth. and in amsterdam with my ex and beautiful toni, my english friend, we took pictures of her, short and pale with a face like a cabaret and hair like a oil slick and i, bigger, fleshier, and red, lounging in bed surrounded by mirrors, strewn with red cala lillies.

i miss toni, and i miss that boy too, i wonder who, if anyone hes fucking these days. i was going to send him excerpts from my diary from when we first fell in love for his birthday, but i didnt. part of me wants so badly to reach out to him and reconnect, but lots of me is afraid of more pain and rejection and missing too badly what i cant have. i wonder if he'll ever reach out to me on his own. i doubt it. he has his house now, and our cats, and my snakes, and a piece of my life i will never regret, but he wants to move back in to stability, which sounds to me like banality, and i am ever expanding and curious and seeking the unknown. my mind rested for a moment from ben and went immediately back to boobies. im still wearing my duckie garter and one stocking. and no shirt because its sunday so i feel i have a right to be barechested.

im disappointed i didnt get to make out with 18 year olds, although making friends with stormy's tampon string was exactly the kind of trashy thrill i crave. mmmm.....red wings.......